More on Humility

As "people of faith" we are called to "walk humbly with our God." I've been thinking about this a great deal recently, especially as I've seen, experienced and even felt, personally, the lack of humility that is often so very central to many people who claim to be people of faith. I experience this no where as fully as I do when people of faith declare that their beliefs are the only true beliefs and that their faith is the only "true" faith. Who on earth are we to decide that God/the Universe/Life/Love/Spirit/Wisdom/however this manifests for each person... must relate to every single person on this planet in one and only one way, must speak to each person in only one way, must be present with people in only one way? While I celebrate and thoroughly enjoy corporate worship, conversations, and practices of faith with other people; at the same time, I can imagine nothing so intimate or personal as one's relationship with the Divine, in whatever way that manifests for each individual (including atheists. The ones I know still have some kind of personal connection with something beyond themselves, even though they do not think of this as "Divine"). And again, I find it the height of arrogance to declare that we know how God is to be present with everyone else! How is this walking humbly with God?! How is this acknowledging that God is beyond anything we know and that God acts in ways we cannot possibly understand? For Christians, whose whole job is to simply love God and love others, is this in anyway loving of either to insist on our way as the only way? This both limits God's possibilities and the possibilities of what God is capable of doing, and it does not help build bridges of understanding, peace, or love with our brothers and sisters in the world. I am different from you. You are different from me. How could you possibly relate to the Divine in the same way I do? How could I possibly expect God to relate to you in the same way?

Humility requires recognition that we don't have all the answers for ourselves, let alone for others. Humility requires being open to learning and hearing new things. Humility means continuing to grow and learn. Humility requires leading lives led by love.

And even more cultural differences

1.Mark and I have officiated at 4 memorials since we have been here. Every single one had a "wake" or visitation time before hand - even the one where the man was cremated included a time to visit the body the day before the service. I had never ever been to a wake or visitation in California (or even heard of one happening), but it appears to be standard out here.

2. Halloween is not October 31st here. It is the day that the city chooses for the kids to go trick or treating! In Ca, it was always October 31st.

3. And then there is this....







And finally, look at the last picture.... which is of a big machine that comes around and vacuums up everyone's leaves that they've raked into piles by the side of the road.

Love of spouse/partner, love of child

Over the last few months I've been thinking about love of spouse/partner and love of child. My thinking around this began when a very good friend/colleague/mentor wrote a blog entry about a woman who said she loved her husband more than her kids and the challenge that this created in some of those around her. Frankly it challenged me, too, and so I've been processing through this and trying to understand my own feelings as well as to come to some clarity about my beliefs around this issue.

I think back to 30 years ago when, as a child, I asked my mother who she loved best and was told that she loved my father best and her children second best. Maybe because this was my own experience I've assumed that this was normal for that time in our society. Since then, I think this has become less acceptable. And I think part of why it has become less acceptable has to do with an increased awareness of child-abuse. Statistics tell us that 68% of sexually abused children are abused by family members, and that almost five children die everyday as a result of child abuse. More than three out of four are under the age of 4. In 2007, approximately 5.8 million children were reported to have experienced abuse. Having worked as a volunteer on a battered women's hotline, I can also tell you that there were too many times when a parent put their love of spouse/partner above the love of child to the point of allowing the spouse's abuse of the child to lead eventually to the child's death. Even if the abuse was only aimed at the adult, staying with the abusive spouse, out of "love" ended up harming the children psychologically, sometimes in worse ways than the physical abuse itself. These are the reasons why loving your spouse/partner more than loving your child can be dangerous.

On the other hand, children grow up. And if we begin to approach our spouse/partner as an enemy, or someone from whom our children need protection, then what are we left with when our children are gone? Additionally, it is good for our children to experience a unified front when it comes to parenting, discipline, decisions, limits and boundaries. Parents who stand together and present that unified front often have children who feel more secure and are therefore healthier. Demonstrating a strong bond of parental love in front of our children also models for them ways to develop healthy, happy relationships later in their lives.

So, in the end, the (undoubtedly obvious) answer to the dilemma of who should one love more, child or spouse/partner, must be that we are really comparing apples and oranges here. I don't think you can love one over the other. I think they must be loved differently.

A child must be loved with the commitment of responsibility to raise our child in the most healthy, productive ways possible. That means keeping our eyes open and doing everything in our power to make sure they have the resources they need to live healthy, happy lives. It means setting limits and structures around their behavior so they can grow up to be happy, productive, functioning adults. It also means we have a responsibility to do everything in our power to keep them from abuse or mistreatment.

Our love for our spouse or partner must be different. Yes, we stand by them and support them and try to present a unified front with them in all things. At the same time, we are not supposed to love them in a protective way that babies them or enables them to live in ways that are abusive of themselves or anyone else. As equals, we are to love them by seeing them, truly, and by supporting them in the best versions of themselves, and by standing with them in that love. However, hiding their mis-deeds, allowing them to act in abusive or destructive ways, failing to stand up to them, even in the care of our children, and continuing to allow our children to suffer at abusive hands, is not loving towards our partners. This is co-dependent behavior. Loving our partners means treating them like adults in all ways, offering love, offering support, but also treating them with honesty which includes holding them accountable for their behavior and loving them enough to support and encourage growth and change. If an abuser cannot or will not change, we must be willing to do what is necessary to prevent future abuse, even to the point of leaving the relationship out of love, not only for our children and ourselves, but out of love for our partners as well - it does damage to a person's being to be allowed to abuse.

We must love our children and our spouses/partners differently. When these seem to conflict with each other, I think we have to really question whether or not that seeming conflict is real. Real love, which is willing to take risks and even to suffer for the better of the other, is not easy, whether it be for children or for partners. But I have to believe that acting out of genuine love for each other is acting in love for all involved, even if that is difficult to perceive.

The optimistic friend vs. the realistic friend

About a month ago I was watching an old Joan of Arcadia episode (season 1, episode 4, "the Boat") in which Adam was talking about the ability of the Vice Principle, Price, to destroy the best and most creative talents of his students. He did this simply by denying that the talent existed. To one student he said, "You have no talent in this what-so-ever", to another "I guarantee, that that (creation you are making) will never (work)!" The Vice Principle's belief that these students had no talent, wouldn't succeed, and were forever "losers" effectively defeated these kids when he expressed it, as he did, in no uncertain terms, to the kids themselves. The God character in the episode describes the fear and defeat that Price creates in the kids as nothing less than evil.

The episode has caused me to reflect again about what our role needs to be for one another. Adam shares with Joan that his amazing ability that Vice Principle Price took from him was an ability to play any instrument that he touched. He says that he played the piano for Price, but the way he describes himself playing, the listeners, and even Joan in the episode, have to wonder about this "ability" that Adam thinks he has. He is banging the keys, playing with his elbow and other body parts, reaching into the piano and strumming the strings - all very interesting and inventive, but a talent? One has to wonder. Still it is obvious that he was both passionate and interested in the "music" he was making before Price succeeded in "taking away that talent" by telling him he couldn't play.

What, then, is a talent, or a gift? And is our job to help each other see the truth about ourselves, or to support one another, despite any illusions we may have about who we each really are?

This has stayed with me over the month as I've reflected on, and witnessed, the many times that we act as Price did to one another, the many times that we defeat and destroy one another simply in our beliefs about each other's abilities, talents, prospects, or lack there of. I had a similar experience to Joan and Adam a while back in which a talent I had, or believed I had, I shared with a "friend" who believed it was his job to tell me the "truth" and who, by doing so, completely destroyed my ability to perform that task any longer. And while I believe in truth telling (because, after all, how can we grow without seeing the areas that need our attention and improvement), I have found myself thinking about the fact that truth is subjective and that we are part of creating truth with the very words we speak. Price and my friend both created a negative truth with their very words dismissing what we perceived as "talents". Others help develop talents by encouraging study, encouraging commitment, encouraging growth.

How then, do we negotiate the line between speaking the truth and yet not harming or destroying another? I think the answer must lie in how we speak the truth, and in how we say things. (An important part of this is paying attention to the motivation behind the words we use as well!).

For example, do we say, "You really have no musical talent what-so-ever!" which defeats another in a way that does not allow for growth or see the possibilities for change or development. Or do we say, "Wow! You really have a wonderful passion for playing those instruments. It might be interesting to see how a music teacher might be able to help you channel and hone all that creativity, perhaps helping you develop some technical skills that would support and enhance your abilities."

Do we say, "you will never get this boat to float" or do we say, "If you are really interested in building a boat, maybe I can help you find a class that could give you useful information about different materials and why they are used to make different parts of the boat..."

Do we say, "Well, that's just stupid. What a dump idea!" Or do we say, "that is an interesting idea. Can you say more about how that might work?"

As I've mentioned before in this blog, I do think that really loving another includes choosing to tell the truth in a way that helps one another to grow. But the key part of that phrase is "in a way that helps one another to grow." Saying destructive, attacking, accusing, "dissing" things to another person does not help him or her to grow. Listening, reflecting, speaking the truth in a hopeful, positive, empowering way will. It is not easy. It is a very difficult thing to do, and so when I hear another's honest but positive and caring critique, I know that it is a true act of love and I find myself deeply grateful. And, more and more, I choose to surround myself with realistically optimistic friends, rather than the ones who, in their truth telling, leave me feeling and therefore acting incapable and defeated.

Munchkin Soccer - Day One

Today, Aislynn had her very first soccer team meeting. She is in a group called "munchkin soccer" and it is for 3-4 year olds. It was truly the most hilarious hour of my week, watching the coach attempt to teach seven little children something about soccer.

It starts with the coach simply trying to organize the kids "Okay, will all the cobra soccer kids please come over here?" he shouts, as one runs across the field, another stoops down to pick a flower, a third runs over to mom and dad for a hug, and a fourth stands in the middle of the field crying. The remaining children danced, rolled, ran and stood in place, totally oblivious to the activity in front of them. He finally gets all the kids together and says, "Okay, stay here." He then tries to go pick up the soccer ball they needed to use, but all the kids followed him across the field to get it. He turns around half way across the field, "No - stay here!" he commands, "Don't follow me," so they each wander off in their own directions and by the time he returns with the ball, he has to start the round-up routine all over again.

He puts the kids in two lines facing each other, and tells the one side "now kick the ball to the person across from you who is your partner." But all the kids wait, seeming to need him to individually guide them to kick their ball. So, one by one, he comes to each kid and shows him/her the person across from them to whom they are supposed to kick the ball. But by the time the kids kick the ball, their partner inevitably has moved or is doing something else or has left the field entirely. In the mean time, the other pairs are playing with the net goal, rounding up everyone's balls, or running back to mom and dad.

Eventually the kids are joined by another small group so they can actually try to play a game. This, too, is nothing short of hilarious. One kid stoops down and picks up the ball. "No, no! You can't touch it with your hands!" the coach shouts to which the kid takes the ball and runs across the field, throwing it as hard as he can out of bounds. When the ball comes back, all the kids on one team converge on it and kick it towards a goal - it doesn't matter that it is the wrong goal - the kids still yell and cheer and happily try to kick it towards the goal again. The kids on the other team were, again, rounding up all the extra soccer balls and kicking them out onto the field as well.

Kids enthusiastic one minute suddenly turn sullen and to tears in the next. But all the coach has to do is take them by the hand for a minute, guide them in the right direction, and they cheerfully bound off again. A couple parents, discouraged and embarrassed, threaten their child. "If you don't stop coming over here and don't start paying attention, we are not returning next week!" we hear from the parents of one three year old boy who is clearly having the time of his life, though his "soccer activity" involves simply running to the ball, then running back to his parents to tell them about the ball, then running to the goal and then running back to his parents to tell them about the goal. But most of the parents join Mark and I in just seeing this as truly the most delightful entertainment of the week. Did the kids learn anything about soccer today? Maybe...when I asked Aislynn if she learned anything she reported that she is supposed to kick the ball with the side of her foot. That's a pretty good start. Mostly, they just had a good time. And for a four year old, a morning of having a good time, outside, with a ball and other children is pretty amazing and more than enough to ask for. It was a great start to the day for us as well!

My son - the gifts, the challenges.

As I've mentioned before, my son has been a constant challenge for me, though also a source of great wonder and delight. An illustration:

Our family was walking through the woods along an isolated dirt path a couple months ago. We were walking pretty quietly paying attention to the nature around us though occasionally one of the children would point something out in a pretty quiet, subdued voice. Still, all of a sudden my son started to shout at the top of his lungs "EVERYBODY BE QUIET SO I CAN HEAR THE NATURE!!!" The rest of us started to laugh at the irony of this, which Jonah did not understand as he shouted louder and louder, "I CAN'T HEAR THE NATURE! EVERYONE IS BEING TOO LOUD! CAN EVERYONE PLEASE BE QUIET SO I CAN HEAR THE NATURE?!!" I tried to gently point out that the loudest thing in that forest at the moment was Jonah himself, but this did not go over well as he continued to shout about how everyone needed to quiet down!

We walked a little farther and Aislynn began the game of running ahead, looking back and asking if she was too far away. I told her she needed to stay where we could see her, so she responded by running ahead up to each next corner and then waiting for us. But eventually we came to quite a long straight stretch. She ran far ahead and then turned and yelled back, "is this okay?" Jonah responded, "No, you need to stop because you are too tiny!" "Too tiny?" I asked. "Yes," he responded, "she is so small now I can hardly see her so she needs to stop!" I found it amazing and fascinating that the issue for him was not that she was too far away, but that in being so far away, she looked too small!

Jonah is a wonder for me. The teachers at his various schools have constantly told us that he is a boy who cares about others, who is sensitive to how others are doing - he is the first kid on the playground to approach someone who has been hurt or is sad and get that child help. This is consistent with his behavior at home where he is the first person out of bed at night when one of his sisters has a bad dream, getting help, bringing them a stuffed animal. One of the boys in his school last year was a bully to a bunch of children and Jonah, after long thought, came up with the idea (on his own!) to give the bully a present - he said, "If I make friends with this boy, maybe he won't need to be a bully anymore." And amazingly, the teachers said it helped!

But he is also a child who has struggled. We have, for years now, tried to find ways to help our boy who cries easily, who becomes frustrated easily, who angers easily (though consistently his teachers have noted that he only expresses anger with provocation - and usually that provocation is someone being mean to another child - especially when the victim is his younger sister), who tires easily, who seems to need more attention than the girls, who cannot stay on task, who cannot sit still, who is extremely active, who often argues about the things we tell him to do, who, in some areas (such as creativity and vision for building) seems brilliant and in others (remembering what you've just asked him to do, remembering sight words, remembering anything) seems clearly....slow? delayed? challenged?

Two years ago I became concerned enough about his crying/throwing himself on the ground behavior that I took him to a counselor. Jonah loved her, but she was not able to help. Then I went to a child psychologist who asked me a bunch of questions, and then threw the diagnosis of "low frustration tolerance" at a boy whom she never met and never wanted to meet. I did learn some things about parenting from her - but again, it did not help our son. The teacher began sending home notes, "He seems sad and tired. He can't stay on task. He is not focused." I responded by telling Jonah he needed to stay on task and pay attention and do his work. I told the teacher I was sorry he was giving her a bad time. She responded, "No! He is not giving me a bad time. He is a good kid who seems unable to stay on task. He is sad because he is trying hard but simply cannot do it. He seems academically gifted, but he is not living up to this potential in any way because he can't stay on task. He needs some help." I took him to his doctor who ran a bunch of blood work (which came back normal). At the end of my rope, I asked the doctor if he could recommend anything. He referred Jonah to yet another psychologist. This one actually met Jonah. This one said, "we take seriously diagnoses here. You can't help a child when you don't know what is really wrong with him" This one met with Jonah for 6 one hour sessions during which Jonah underwent extensive academic and psychological testing.

The results were interesting and amazing to me. Yes, Jonah is absolutely brilliant in some areas: verbal communication and creativity being two areas in which he tested off the scale. But he also tested at the bottom of the scale in terms of short term memory retention. The psychologist told us that this great difference in brain competence usually stems from a genetic and chemical disorder that is skewing and affecting his ability to take the test and to give an accurate reading. Based on the other tests, as well as his own observations, the detailed forms filled out by his teachers, and our own observations, the genetic and chemical disorder that Jonah suffers from is...ADHD with some sensory integration issues complicating it.

I shouldn't have been surprised. I had guessed at the sensory integration issues and had done a lot of reading about that. ADHD I did not want to hear, I did not want to believe...because the only solution we know at this point that has been found to be truly affective is medication, combined with some behavioral training - ugh (to the medication part)!!! As I said, I shouldn't have been surprised. Jasmyn's teachers had also suggested that she had ADD - not the hyperactive part, but the attention deficit part - which was also affecting areas of her ability to learn and concentrate. Jasmyn, too, had had the same academic testing done with the same weird results of being off the scale in terms of verbal ability, but when it came to timed activities that required focus of attention, she, too, had fallen under the norm. Still, Jasmyn seems to have developed coping skills. She now (just within the last 4 months) has finally taught herself some ways of focusing that allow her to succeed at the timed tests and even to thrive when she takes them.

But Jonah is a different child. It is possible that he, too, might eventually develop coping strategies. But in the mean time, he is growing to hate school. And while he stayed on par with the other students in his class in kindergarten, it was hard for him - very, very hard. He risks giving up and falling chronically behind. He acts tired because it takes such an extreme amount of his energy to focus on most academic tasks. His self-esteem is plummeting because he is smart enough to notice that he is somehow different. "What's wrong with me? I can't do this! I'm just stupid!" have become mantras in our house that break my heart. My protests that he is not stupid at all fall on deaf ears with the boy who sees that he is different and has to struggle so much more than those around him. So, despite all my promises to myself and my family that I would not go the medication route with my children, I am going to try this with Jonah. I just cannot watch him struggle through another year like this.

I'm not leaving it just with medication. His psychologist also wants to work with Jonah as well as Mark and I to develop strategies to help him develop the coping skills he will need over time. Jonah's doctor also agrees that this is a necessary part of treatment as well and will support all of us in our learning and coping. But starting Saturday, we begin a new journey with our child. I am hoping and praying that it will be a positive one. I am hoping and praying that this will help. I am hoping and praying that the wonder of my child will remain, and that the challenges will be eased a bit. I hope and pray we are making the right decisions for him. I hope and pray that as we walk through the forest, thinking that we are paying attention, that we may also really hear our children when they are shouting for us to quiet down and listen!

On Children

"Your children are not your children,
They are the sons and the daughters of life's longing for itself.
They come through you, but they are not from you
and though they are with you,
They belong not to you." - Khalil Gibran

We are, as a family, "on vacation" this week and so yesterday we went to Harry London's Chocolate Factory. I found the tour fascinating and interesting and, of course, it ends in the gift shop - so delicious and delightful as well. We told the kids they could each purchase one thing. Jasmyn bought jelly beans, Jonah a stuffed bear and Aislynn a lollipop. Did I mention we were at a chocolate factory?

To say it once more, "your children are not your children..." What more proof could there be that these, my precious babies are not really mine at all!