Changes and more changes

We are moving again. Not very far this time - just a mile from our current situation. Still, it will be a different school district and therefore different schools for the kids, it will be a different location, it means I'm packing up again, and that our house is in chaos and stress again. It is more expense, too, and that also adds strain. We had to move out of the place we've been renting because the owner wants to sell it. But it has been a quick whirl wind of craziness once more.

Mark and I are also each looking for a half time job to add to our full time work at church because economically we are far from breaking even each month. This is the situation of many, many of those around us, so we know we are not alone, not by any means. People are struggling to make ends meet. We are struggling to make ends meet.

I get how easy it is, how easy it can be, for people in these situations to become angry at God, or to decide there must not be a God, or maybe the answer is that God is not personal and doesn't care about us as individuals. I get that. And while the scripture that says that God looks after the sparrow so we shouldn't worry either sounds great, we see the birds which hit our windows or have been hit by cars and we know that sparrows don't always make it, despite the care they are promised, and that people, too, fall through the cracks.

How do we walk through these difficult times? Where do we see God in these moments? How do we understand God during times of struggle and difficulty? There isn't a short answer to these questions. There isn't a phrase that can give all the comfort needed. There isn't a sermon that can make everything okay in hard times. All I can tell you is what I do and what has been meaningful to me. All I can do is hope that will help you a little as you walk your own journey and find your own answers.

For me, at this place and at this time, I rely on three things to help me get through stressful times, to help me see God, and to understand where God is during difficult times.

First, I look at the beauty in nature. I see God reflected in the sunshine, in the green of the trees, in the fresh morning air. I feel Her presence as the wind blows by, I sense Her strength as each new day unfolds. I hear His voice in the singing of the birds and in the flow of water down a brook or stream. I am renewed in wonder at how much bigger than all of my problems the world in its glory continues to be.

Second, I remember my own personal faith tradition. I remember that the place in Christianity where God is during struggles is on the cross - with us in our struggles, facing these deaths in our lives, experiencing the pain even as we do. I remember also that death never ends the story - there is always life on the other side and I try to hold on to that vision of hope no matter how long or how hard the present may be.

Finally, I look towards community. Once again we have found ourselves surrounded by the love and care of an amazing community. Many in that community came out on Saturday to help us move all of our stuff into someone else's garage for a few days until we can get into our "new" place, and many have also promised to help us move again into the house on Wednesday. I was truly touched and overwhelmed by the care expressed. Those who couldn't physically help us move brought food, brought laughter, sent e-mails, brought support. In this community both near and far, I see God's face, I witness God's hands, I am awed by God's love as it manifests in others. Everyday I live I am supported by the community around me. It is the gift of grace itself.

These are the three things that I feel supporting me most now. Do these things answer the ultimate question of why suffering happens? Of course not. Do they solve the problem of pain or give us an insight into where God is and why God "allows" the world to be so difficult? Maybe a little. Do they help us walk our journey every day in the face of hardship? They do for me. And again, all I can do is share with others what helps me get through and hope that these will help you as well. And now back to the craziness of packing....

Be in peace.

Tea Bag Wisdom

I found this quote on my tea bag label and I love it!

"Fight for your opinions, but do not believe that they contain the whole truth, or the only truth."
Charles A. Dana

Pot and Kettle situations

Today we had a dress rehearsal for a musical at church. Jasmyn was standing on the stage and her brother, who has a very hard time focusing and staying on task, was not where he was supposed to be. Jasmyn screamed at him from the stage, "Jonah! You get up here right now! You are not where you are supposed to be!" It was obvious to me at that moment that Jasmyn's behavior, rather than making Jonah look incompetent, made Jasmyn look rather brattish, demanding, and bossy. So, in turn, I turned to Jasmyn and yelled, "Jasmyn, stop yelling at your brother! If you keep yelling at him from the stage...." and then the irony of the whole thing hit me as I saw everyone staring at me with frowns on their faces.

We all see this kind of irony, or lack of self-insight in those around us. The worst drivers I know are people who tailgate, drive recklessly and way beyond the speed limit and yet these are usually the same people whom we find cursing everyone else's driving. I had a woman correct my manners publicly once - I asked someone to do something and she added "Please" in a very loud, corrective voice and again she was completely unable to see that her response was more lacking in manners than my failure to remember the word "please". I can think of one situation in which a wife cannot throw anything away and has a refrigerator, kitchen, den, family room, etc. so covered with stuff that you can't function in these spaces and yet she is constantly "worried" about her husband who has a den full of stuff.

It is easy to see these flaws in others. It is easy for us to see the log in someone else's eye who is trying to remove the speck from ours. Can we even begin to see the logs in our own eyes when we are critical of others? This is much, much harder to do.

I thank God for those little moments of insight in which I see my own hypocrisy and lack of self-reflection, knowing that there are things I miss. But I also pray that we might all strive to remember that we don't see our own imperfections very clearly, so it behooves us to be less judging of others in turn.

Optimism vs. Realism. or: Is truth more important than happiness?

Today my son had one of his soccer games. I have to admit, he is not great at the sport, for a number of reasons. One of those reasons is that he gets distracted all too easily, looking at the grass, at his shirt, at the net, and the ball flies right by him. As we walked away after the game, I asked Jonah if he had had a good time, and he responded by saying, "no. I'm not good at the game. I'm not a good soccer player so I'm not having a good time." The realist in me which values that realism just could not bring myself to lie to him and tell him that he was a good soccer player. I did say something about the goal being to just enjoy himself and something about every player having strengths and areas of growth and something else about how he is doing better every week. But my six year old saw through it all and just reaffirmed that he wasn't a good soccer player and so he wasn't enjoying soccer.

The conversation brought to mind another little boy I know who is also very poor at sports, but who is an optimist instead of a realist. This other little boy, despite the fact that his mother and sister assure me privately that actually he is one of the worst basket-ball players they've ever seen, believes himself to be a good player. Because of this belief, he enjoys himself immensely as he plays, his self-confidence and esteem remain high, and he is generally a happier person.

As I listened to Jonah and as I reflected on the situation with this other boy, I found myself thinking about the difference between optimism and realism and wondering if the long-term value I've had for realism isn't misplaced, at least when it comes to my children.

One of the few things I actually learned from my psychology degree was that in numerous studies done on human perception, optimists generally do not see the world as realistically as pessimists. They literally do not see the bad things around them. One specific test showed that optimists believed others to have a much higher opinion of the optimists than they actually did, whereas so called "pessimists" were actually very realistic in their views of how others saw them. I have never forgotten this, in part because I, myself, am definitely a "realist" (I don't like the word pessimist and given the research, I think realist is more accurate anyway). Whenever, then, I'm tempted to think others have a better opinion of me than I know they do, whenever I have even the slightest urge to boost my own importance or ego, even just in my own mind, I remember that while it may feel good to do that, those high-ego thoughts are not realistic. I am a person who chooses, consciously, to be realistic. I want to know what others really think, honestly, no matter how hurtful it may feel. I choose this for myself. And when I see optimists with their mistaken beliefs about how others see them, I choose realism again and again. But more and more I am aware of the cost of that choice.

Optimism has a lot of benefits. Health-wise, optimists tend to live longer because they don't accept negative diagnoses lying down. They choose to work for something better and they keep seeing hope (even when doctors have said there is none) and so they work towards health and keep working towards it. Their positive attitudes actually help with their health as well as their determination to survive. Optimists tend to get farther career-wise for the same reason. They don't let set-backs or even complete failures get them down. They pick themselves up and they keep going, trying again and again. The odds are good if someone keeps trying again and again that they will eventually succeed and I've seen that happen. Realists/pessimists get discouraged more easily, and therefore give up more easily as well. Socially it works out well for optimists too. Yes, they mistakenly believe others have a higher opinion of them than they really do, but they are happier because of it, which again makes it more likely that they will be surrounded by others. Overall, optimists are happier people, though they live in a world that is not "real."

I want my children to be happy. I value this. Do I value this as much as truth, honesty, seeing the world as it really is? Not for myself. But for my children? I think I do. I will continue to struggle to find that happy medium between truth and happiness, but I also think I will work harder towards happiness, esteem, and confidence for my children.

The Challenges of Accepting Care.

I've been reflecting today on the abundance of blessings that daily surround us. Yes, life is full of trials. It is also full of so much grace. Yes, it is full of struggles, but it is also full of victories. Yes, it is full of injustices, but it is also full of undeserved generosity. It is full of inequalities; sometimes people get much less than is fair, but also sometimes we are given so much more than we could ever truly earn or even wish for. Yes, people act out of fear and selfishness at times. Other times, people act with the greatest of bravery and are selfless in ways that move me to tears. Today I have found myself thinking that it is at times just as hard to accept the blessings in life as it is to accept the injustices.

In November of this year the teachers at my younger children's school gave us a huge gift of clothing for our children. They knew we were struggling - we had to share the information with them because we were going to have to move and leave the school, taking our children but also no longer teaching music there (something we had been doing for the last three years). Without us even thinking of asking for any kind of support, they rallied together and gave our family this huge and generous gift that has been wonderful for all of my kids. I was reminded of this on Monday when Jasmyn came down to breakfast wearing a brand new summery t-shirt and reminded me that it was one of the gifts from the school.

I've written about their generosity before and the moving care we have experienced and witnessed at other times, as well. I was truly grateful for this gift as I am by others we have received. But I also found the acceptance of this care and generosity challenging.

Do you find it easy to be the recipient of care? Do you find it easy to be the recipient of generosity? I have to admit, I struggle almost as much with that kind of loving care when it comes in my direction as I do with all the injustices and inequalities we experience. I struggle with it in a different way, obviously. With injustices I can get righteously indignant, angry, and it inspires many of my rants on this blog. But when care and gifts come our way, I find myself often filled with something that is harder to express....I find myself feeling shame, or rather, an accute awareness of being given more than I deserve, more than I've earned. I am always aware that others are in greater need than I and that whatever gift is being offered would probably fill a greater need in others. I'm not proud of this reaction. I think it is something I need to work on and so I struggle to be grateful and to celebrate the care and generosity when it comes my way.

I also know that I am not alone in experiencing this as a challenge. Many of us struggle to learn how to receive gifts, generosity, and care graciously, with gratitude and a genuine joy at the blessings others bring us without our earning or working for them. We might see that allowing someone else to care for us is actually giving as well: it gives the other joy to be able to be generous, it gives another a sense of purpose and meaning to be able to serve or care for us. We might see this, but I think many of us feel we should be able to take care of ourselves and so when another does offer care, it feels shaming, like somehow we have failed in this basic goal of self-care. But the reality is that we are all interdependent. Today I might need you more than you need me, but tomorrow the reverse may be true. Daily we depend on others as we eat food others have grown, wear clothes others have made, drive on streets others have made in cars made by others. We depend on each other for our social needs as well. We need one another and there should be no shame in that.

It is also a reality that daily we are given the gifts of life, breath, sun, wind, without any effort or "earning" on our part. Life is grace. Life is blessing. And it is freely given. We don't feel shame about these gifts, usually because we fail to remember them, we take them for granted.

The goal, then, is to find that joy, celebration, awe, and gratitude for every blessing that comes our way: to learn not to take for granted the very breath we breathe, but also to accept with gratitude and joy the undeserved blessings brought by the people in our lives. Accepting grace is a challenge. But it is a challenge worth the work. Gratitude is a gift in itself and can inspire us to be generous and loving in return. Thanks be to God!

Legalism

I've been thinking today about a conversation on this blog that took place a long time ago about immigration, and the comments that followed. At the time, I decided not to respond to the comments, because I think that the comments should have space to stand on their own and invite others' thoughts/comments/reflections as well. But I woke up today thinking about one of those comments and wanting, finally, to respond.

The comment had to do with wanting our children to follow the law. But for myself, I don't want my kids to do what is "legal", I want my kids to do what is "right." And these things do not equate in my mind. I do have a law that I follow. It is the law of doing what is good to self, others, world, universe. This stems from my faith "Love your neighbor as yourself." But it also means that even when scriptural laws do not conform to caring for self, neighbor, world, that I can't and won't follow them.

As for civil law, I am proud of my record of civil disobedience - standing up against choices (mostly choices about responding to problems with violence, though also choices about taking rights away from others such as undocumented persons and gay/lesbian persons) that I believe go against the law to love others as self. I also choose to teach my children not to do behaviors that are legal but which I also think lack caring. For example, smoking is legal, but it hurts one's body and the body of those around us, so I encourage them to make a different choice, even though it is not illegal. Name calling is not illegal, being polite is not mandated by law, but I still encourage this behavior in my children.

I'm not saying that laws are unimportant. Unfortunately, I don't trust all of humanity to function with the law of caring for neighbors (yes, and enemies) as self and these laws help set limits for those who can't set them for themselves. They also set up consequences. But I can in no way believe that every law is a just and good law, and I must believe that we have to stand up and fight to change those laws that are unjust. That begins with voting, that continues to letter writing, it may move to civil disobedience, and it definitely should influence the personal choices we make about how we will live our lives, whether or not we will choose to follow a particular law. I can't follow it just because it is law. Too many have been hurt by that... think of segregation, think of all of the laws that have discriminated against a particular race, or religion, or belief or age (it used to be okay to do whatever you wanted to your children) or gender (it used to be okay to do whatever you wanted to your wife!) or sexual-orientation. Do we just say that "well, it is law, and we follow until we can change it?" I can't say this because while we are working to change it, people are being hurt NOW.

I just can't be a legalist. And while it is more difficult for children to have to analyze every decision against the law of caring, rather than just following a set of rules, I believe that teaching them how to do this, giving them a set of tools by which they make good decisions about how we treat others and the world, will be part of creating a more caring, loving, thoughtful world, one in which less people are hurt, one in which we are all working harder to love the other as ourselves.

On war, from the perspective of a confirmed pacifist

My family and I went to see the USS Cod this last weekend (a submarine). The experience was...interesting, fascinating, mostly disturbing for me. As I listened to the proud men who had been on this sub or who were at least talking about the sub, I became even more disturbed. They were "bragging" for lack of a better word about how many ships the sub had taken down.

As I listened, I could not help but be truly appalled. These were not "ships" that had gone down, these were people who had gone down. You can argue with me all you want about the need or necessity, about these deaths being "for a good cause" or even about a "just war", and I just will never buy it. These were people who were killed: daddies of little children, boys drafted to fight for something some of them didn't even understand, husbands, brothers, sons. For whatever reason, I am just not capable of separating people out into the categories of "friend" and "enemy" when we are talking about real people being violently and brutally destroyed because those with power decide to yield it and to play it out in the form of killing others through war.

That isn't to say that I think ideologies and politics are unimportant, or that I think we should ever ignore the injustices that those in power inflict on people. But I will never understand why we put so much money, energy, time, and commitment into figuring out new ways to kill and destroy people (often the very people being hurt by the injustices we are trying to confront and change) instead of putting all that money, time, energy, and commitment into figuring out other, more effective, less destructive and violent ways to handle political problems, injustices, etc. Really, if we spent a tenth the amount of energy using the amazing human brain power to figure out alternate solutions, I doubt we'd ever have to go to war and the images burned into my head of children burned with chemicals or explosions; of humans emotionally and mentally destroyed by the atrocities they have witnessed; of whole villages, towns, even cities destroyed would be no more.

How can a person be proud of how many people they've killed? How can we really believe that war leads to peace? Or that violence leads to peace? We've come to realize that beating on children does not get them to stop being violent, it only increases their chance of being violent. How can we not see this in the larger context of the world? Beating on other countries does not lead them to be peaceful, loving, accepting neighbors. It leads to anger, resentment and violent retaliation. Again, I'm not saying we should allow injustice. I am saying that we should use more than our anger and our hatred to overcome it.

The violence we inflict on others is simply beyond my understanding. I cannot comprehend how the call to "love your enemies" can ever include destroying them in war. I took the children to the USS Cod because it is a part of human history; a part I want them to understand, because I don't think we will find new ways to solve problems unless we understand the barbarism of the way we have solved problems in the past. But after hearing the pride in the men's voices as they talked about the people their sub had killed, I left feeling disappointed in humanity, scared for humanity, sad that I am part of this species in which the number of people killed is a source of celebration in any situation. I left feeling despair. I know that is not a helpful place to be, for myself or my kids. But that's what war does to people, whether you've lived it or not.