Valentine's Ideas that support the world

Check this out..
countdown-to-valentines-day-send-a-valentine-for-good

In particular, the author suggests buying your childrens' valentine cards using the Save the Child web-site. This provides aid and support to the kids in Haiti. Since I have three kids, I bought three sets, and would encourage you to also buy from them, since buying valentines has become a mandatory part of one's child's school life. This is a way, therefore, to be part of supporting your children's school activities while also opting out of the whole overwhelming "buy, buy, buy" thing that seems to be more and more part of "education" at our schools. I know, I'm still buying something, but the money goes for a good cause at least!

But, you have to act fast for them to be here in time for Valentine's Day!!

Happy V-day to you all!

E-mails that threaten

Okay, I have to say it again. These e-mails in which a person says, "I love you so much and if you don't pass this back to me and on to all your other friends in the next 2 minutes it is obvious you don't really care about anybody and will probably have bad things happen to you for the rest of your life" are not love e-mails. These are mean. They are unkind. They are manipulative. And there is no way on earth I would ever pass this on to anybody I really cared about.

When you love a person, you don't threaten them.
When you love a person, you don't insist on being told in a certain specific way that they love you, too.
When you love a person, you don't wish bad things to happen to them if they don't do exactly what you want in exactly the way you want in in the next two minutes.

If you like the gist of an e-mail and want to pass it on, erase the threat. Otherwise, you are giving your reader a much deeper feeling of being attacked and threatened than of being loved. And I know that was NOT your intention. Or was it?

More on Humility

As "people of faith" we are called to "walk humbly with our God." I've been thinking about this a great deal recently, especially as I've seen, experienced and even felt, personally, the lack of humility that is often so very central to many people who claim to be people of faith. I experience this no where as fully as I do when people of faith declare that their beliefs are the only true beliefs and that their faith is the only "true" faith. Who on earth are we to decide that God/the Universe/Life/Love/Spirit/Wisdom/however this manifests for each person... must relate to every single person on this planet in one and only one way, must speak to each person in only one way, must be present with people in only one way? While I celebrate and thoroughly enjoy corporate worship, conversations, and practices of faith with other people; at the same time, I can imagine nothing so intimate or personal as one's relationship with the Divine, in whatever way that manifests for each individual (including atheists. The ones I know still have some kind of personal connection with something beyond themselves, even though they do not think of this as "Divine"). And again, I find it the height of arrogance to declare that we know how God is to be present with everyone else! How is this walking humbly with God?! How is this acknowledging that God is beyond anything we know and that God acts in ways we cannot possibly understand? For Christians, whose whole job is to simply love God and love others, is this in anyway loving of either to insist on our way as the only way? This both limits God's possibilities and the possibilities of what God is capable of doing, and it does not help build bridges of understanding, peace, or love with our brothers and sisters in the world. I am different from you. You are different from me. How could you possibly relate to the Divine in the same way I do? How could I possibly expect God to relate to you in the same way?

Humility requires recognition that we don't have all the answers for ourselves, let alone for others. Humility requires being open to learning and hearing new things. Humility means continuing to grow and learn. Humility requires leading lives led by love.

And even more cultural differences

1.Mark and I have officiated at 4 memorials since we have been here. Every single one had a "wake" or visitation time before hand - even the one where the man was cremated included a time to visit the body the day before the service. I had never ever been to a wake or visitation in California (or even heard of one happening), but it appears to be standard out here.

2. Halloween is not October 31st here. It is the day that the city chooses for the kids to go trick or treating! In Ca, it was always October 31st.

3. And then there is this....







And finally, look at the last picture.... which is of a big machine that comes around and vacuums up everyone's leaves that they've raked into piles by the side of the road.

Love of spouse/partner, love of child

Over the last few months I've been thinking about love of spouse/partner and love of child. My thinking around this began when a very good friend/colleague/mentor wrote a blog entry about a woman who said she loved her husband more than her kids and the challenge that this created in some of those around her. Frankly it challenged me, too, and so I've been processing through this and trying to understand my own feelings as well as to come to some clarity about my beliefs around this issue.

I think back to 30 years ago when, as a child, I asked my mother who she loved best and was told that she loved my father best and her children second best. Maybe because this was my own experience I've assumed that this was normal for that time in our society. Since then, I think this has become less acceptable. And I think part of why it has become less acceptable has to do with an increased awareness of child-abuse. Statistics tell us that 68% of sexually abused children are abused by family members, and that almost five children die everyday as a result of child abuse. More than three out of four are under the age of 4. In 2007, approximately 5.8 million children were reported to have experienced abuse. Having worked as a volunteer on a battered women's hotline, I can also tell you that there were too many times when a parent put their love of spouse/partner above the love of child to the point of allowing the spouse's abuse of the child to lead eventually to the child's death. Even if the abuse was only aimed at the adult, staying with the abusive spouse, out of "love" ended up harming the children psychologically, sometimes in worse ways than the physical abuse itself. These are the reasons why loving your spouse/partner more than loving your child can be dangerous.

On the other hand, children grow up. And if we begin to approach our spouse/partner as an enemy, or someone from whom our children need protection, then what are we left with when our children are gone? Additionally, it is good for our children to experience a unified front when it comes to parenting, discipline, decisions, limits and boundaries. Parents who stand together and present that unified front often have children who feel more secure and are therefore healthier. Demonstrating a strong bond of parental love in front of our children also models for them ways to develop healthy, happy relationships later in their lives.

So, in the end, the (undoubtedly obvious) answer to the dilemma of who should one love more, child or spouse/partner, must be that we are really comparing apples and oranges here. I don't think you can love one over the other. I think they must be loved differently.

A child must be loved with the commitment of responsibility to raise our child in the most healthy, productive ways possible. That means keeping our eyes open and doing everything in our power to make sure they have the resources they need to live healthy, happy lives. It means setting limits and structures around their behavior so they can grow up to be happy, productive, functioning adults. It also means we have a responsibility to do everything in our power to keep them from abuse or mistreatment.

Our love for our spouse or partner must be different. Yes, we stand by them and support them and try to present a unified front with them in all things. At the same time, we are not supposed to love them in a protective way that babies them or enables them to live in ways that are abusive of themselves or anyone else. As equals, we are to love them by seeing them, truly, and by supporting them in the best versions of themselves, and by standing with them in that love. However, hiding their mis-deeds, allowing them to act in abusive or destructive ways, failing to stand up to them, even in the care of our children, and continuing to allow our children to suffer at abusive hands, is not loving towards our partners. This is co-dependent behavior. Loving our partners means treating them like adults in all ways, offering love, offering support, but also treating them with honesty which includes holding them accountable for their behavior and loving them enough to support and encourage growth and change. If an abuser cannot or will not change, we must be willing to do what is necessary to prevent future abuse, even to the point of leaving the relationship out of love, not only for our children and ourselves, but out of love for our partners as well - it does damage to a person's being to be allowed to abuse.

We must love our children and our spouses/partners differently. When these seem to conflict with each other, I think we have to really question whether or not that seeming conflict is real. Real love, which is willing to take risks and even to suffer for the better of the other, is not easy, whether it be for children or for partners. But I have to believe that acting out of genuine love for each other is acting in love for all involved, even if that is difficult to perceive.

The optimistic friend vs. the realistic friend

About a month ago I was watching an old Joan of Arcadia episode (season 1, episode 4, "the Boat") in which Adam was talking about the ability of the Vice Principle, Price, to destroy the best and most creative talents of his students. He did this simply by denying that the talent existed. To one student he said, "You have no talent in this what-so-ever", to another "I guarantee, that that (creation you are making) will never (work)!" The Vice Principle's belief that these students had no talent, wouldn't succeed, and were forever "losers" effectively defeated these kids when he expressed it, as he did, in no uncertain terms, to the kids themselves. The God character in the episode describes the fear and defeat that Price creates in the kids as nothing less than evil.

The episode has caused me to reflect again about what our role needs to be for one another. Adam shares with Joan that his amazing ability that Vice Principle Price took from him was an ability to play any instrument that he touched. He says that he played the piano for Price, but the way he describes himself playing, the listeners, and even Joan in the episode, have to wonder about this "ability" that Adam thinks he has. He is banging the keys, playing with his elbow and other body parts, reaching into the piano and strumming the strings - all very interesting and inventive, but a talent? One has to wonder. Still it is obvious that he was both passionate and interested in the "music" he was making before Price succeeded in "taking away that talent" by telling him he couldn't play.

What, then, is a talent, or a gift? And is our job to help each other see the truth about ourselves, or to support one another, despite any illusions we may have about who we each really are?

This has stayed with me over the month as I've reflected on, and witnessed, the many times that we act as Price did to one another, the many times that we defeat and destroy one another simply in our beliefs about each other's abilities, talents, prospects, or lack there of. I had a similar experience to Joan and Adam a while back in which a talent I had, or believed I had, I shared with a "friend" who believed it was his job to tell me the "truth" and who, by doing so, completely destroyed my ability to perform that task any longer. And while I believe in truth telling (because, after all, how can we grow without seeing the areas that need our attention and improvement), I have found myself thinking about the fact that truth is subjective and that we are part of creating truth with the very words we speak. Price and my friend both created a negative truth with their very words dismissing what we perceived as "talents". Others help develop talents by encouraging study, encouraging commitment, encouraging growth.

How then, do we negotiate the line between speaking the truth and yet not harming or destroying another? I think the answer must lie in how we speak the truth, and in how we say things. (An important part of this is paying attention to the motivation behind the words we use as well!).

For example, do we say, "You really have no musical talent what-so-ever!" which defeats another in a way that does not allow for growth or see the possibilities for change or development. Or do we say, "Wow! You really have a wonderful passion for playing those instruments. It might be interesting to see how a music teacher might be able to help you channel and hone all that creativity, perhaps helping you develop some technical skills that would support and enhance your abilities."

Do we say, "you will never get this boat to float" or do we say, "If you are really interested in building a boat, maybe I can help you find a class that could give you useful information about different materials and why they are used to make different parts of the boat..."

Do we say, "Well, that's just stupid. What a dump idea!" Or do we say, "that is an interesting idea. Can you say more about how that might work?"

As I've mentioned before in this blog, I do think that really loving another includes choosing to tell the truth in a way that helps one another to grow. But the key part of that phrase is "in a way that helps one another to grow." Saying destructive, attacking, accusing, "dissing" things to another person does not help him or her to grow. Listening, reflecting, speaking the truth in a hopeful, positive, empowering way will. It is not easy. It is a very difficult thing to do, and so when I hear another's honest but positive and caring critique, I know that it is a true act of love and I find myself deeply grateful. And, more and more, I choose to surround myself with realistically optimistic friends, rather than the ones who, in their truth telling, leave me feeling and therefore acting incapable and defeated.

Munchkin Soccer - Day One

Today, Aislynn had her very first soccer team meeting. She is in a group called "munchkin soccer" and it is for 3-4 year olds. It was truly the most hilarious hour of my week, watching the coach attempt to teach seven little children something about soccer.

It starts with the coach simply trying to organize the kids "Okay, will all the cobra soccer kids please come over here?" he shouts, as one runs across the field, another stoops down to pick a flower, a third runs over to mom and dad for a hug, and a fourth stands in the middle of the field crying. The remaining children danced, rolled, ran and stood in place, totally oblivious to the activity in front of them. He finally gets all the kids together and says, "Okay, stay here." He then tries to go pick up the soccer ball they needed to use, but all the kids followed him across the field to get it. He turns around half way across the field, "No - stay here!" he commands, "Don't follow me," so they each wander off in their own directions and by the time he returns with the ball, he has to start the round-up routine all over again.

He puts the kids in two lines facing each other, and tells the one side "now kick the ball to the person across from you who is your partner." But all the kids wait, seeming to need him to individually guide them to kick their ball. So, one by one, he comes to each kid and shows him/her the person across from them to whom they are supposed to kick the ball. But by the time the kids kick the ball, their partner inevitably has moved or is doing something else or has left the field entirely. In the mean time, the other pairs are playing with the net goal, rounding up everyone's balls, or running back to mom and dad.

Eventually the kids are joined by another small group so they can actually try to play a game. This, too, is nothing short of hilarious. One kid stoops down and picks up the ball. "No, no! You can't touch it with your hands!" the coach shouts to which the kid takes the ball and runs across the field, throwing it as hard as he can out of bounds. When the ball comes back, all the kids on one team converge on it and kick it towards a goal - it doesn't matter that it is the wrong goal - the kids still yell and cheer and happily try to kick it towards the goal again. The kids on the other team were, again, rounding up all the extra soccer balls and kicking them out onto the field as well.

Kids enthusiastic one minute suddenly turn sullen and to tears in the next. But all the coach has to do is take them by the hand for a minute, guide them in the right direction, and they cheerfully bound off again. A couple parents, discouraged and embarrassed, threaten their child. "If you don't stop coming over here and don't start paying attention, we are not returning next week!" we hear from the parents of one three year old boy who is clearly having the time of his life, though his "soccer activity" involves simply running to the ball, then running back to his parents to tell them about the ball, then running to the goal and then running back to his parents to tell them about the goal. But most of the parents join Mark and I in just seeing this as truly the most delightful entertainment of the week. Did the kids learn anything about soccer today? Maybe...when I asked Aislynn if she learned anything she reported that she is supposed to kick the ball with the side of her foot. That's a pretty good start. Mostly, they just had a good time. And for a four year old, a morning of having a good time, outside, with a ball and other children is pretty amazing and more than enough to ask for. It was a great start to the day for us as well!