Letting go and letting grow

Tomorrow Jonah starts kindergarten. Wednesday morning, when my youngest daughter goes to pre-school (she attends two mornings a week) it will be the first time in over eight years that I will have all three of my children in school at the same time. So here I am, up in the middle of the night, filled with angst. I mentioned to Mark that for the first time there will be six hours every week when all three kids are in school at the same time and Mark did a big "woo hoo! Awesome!" kind of response while it was all I could do to not burst into tears. He said, "Isn't this a good reason for us to have stopped with three children?" And I responded, "No! We have to have another baby so we will still have one at home." It's not going to happen (don't worry, Dad!), but this growing up thing is a challenge for me.

"The job of parenting is letting go" someone wise once said. Yes, the job of parenting is letting go so your kids can grow. But I find myself this evening wondering if I've missed the best, most precious years of their life. Was I too busy with work, friends, computer...whatever it is, to have really seen them? Was I too stressed, too irritable, too caught up in my own worries to really focus and care for my kids the way I should have? Have I spent enough time teaching them? Listening to them? Playing with them? Reading to them? Doing art with them (not my specialty at all!)? Doing music with them (yes, my specialty, but also my work, so I find I'm not as interested in doing it during my "free" time)? Have I been too critical? Have I given them the foundation they need to grasp life, to love life, to seek life - both for themselves and those around them? Have I taught them how to love with actions and not just words?

My boy is starting kindergarten tomorrow. He is no longer the smiley, drooly baby I once knew. He is a sensitive, caring, school-aged boy now. Will he like school? Will he succeed in school? Will he stay compassionate and caring? Will he learn to ask for what he needs in an assertive but non-agressive way? Will he make friends? Will he keep friends? I have to let him go a little, to let him learn from others and to find his way in a place and space that does not include me. I have to trust....I have to trust him, and the parenting we've done with him so far, and the school.

This letting go stuff is not easy. God grant me the grace to do it a day at a time, a little at a time, supporting my son with love without chains, with strength without domination, with vision without omniscience. Help me to send him off tomorrow with a smile and a cheery recognition of the pride I feel that he has grown so big, so well. Help me to save my tears for a private moment, recognizing he has enough of his own conflicted feelings about starting kindergarten without mine being thrown into the mix. Help me to let go, and to let grow. It is the job, after all.