Who are we?

I've been thinking today a lot about who people "really" are. I know for me, I am not just one way of being. I never have been. For example, at every single church or camp or school or leadership situation I've been in, every single one, starting from when I was really quite young, at some point the people there say to me, "wow, you've really matured during your time here." And then they proceed to tell me the ways in which I've actually gone from being a stressed out, shy new person (trying to be an extroverted, interesting person) to being a person who is comfortable in the space, more relaxed. This has happened to me, as I've said, in really every new situation I've been in. And it's not really that I've "matured" or "grown" or "come into my own" (the most common phrases used to describe this). It is, as I've just said, that I am not comfortable in new situations. And when I do become comfortable my behavior changes, significantly, as it turns out.

Still, I haven't known or understood exactly how my behavior changes. I hear people say it, again and again. But haven't been able to see what that means. But now I'm in a new situation again. And this is the first time that Mark has seen me in a completely new situation. When we met, I had already been at seminary two years, so he didn't see me in a new situation there. When I took my first "call" I was in AZ by myself, so he didn't see me there. When I came back to CA and began different church positions there, he was working at a different church, so he never saw me. But now we are starting a job together, in a new place, and he is seeing this side of me that obviously makes others uneasy since it is always described positively when I'm not acting like this anymore. So, for the first time, I am getting feedback of a different kind, feedback from someone who knows me when I'm comfortable and is now, for the first time, seeing me when I'm not.

Mark is almost always positive when it comes to me. So he describes my behavior as "extremely high energy. Not like I've ever seen you before." But I think what he's trying to say is that I'm running around like a whirling dervish or the energizer bunny, or a chicken with its head cut off. This was confirmed on Sunday when, for the first time since I've been here, I actually made it to coffee hour after worship (rather than ending up trapped in the sanctuary or my office doing church business), and sat down at a table with some folk. I started to eat the little foods on my plate, and then looked up and noticed everyone at the table staring at me. "What?" I asked.

"Are you okay?" one of the women said. "Are you having a down day?"

I was confused and said, "No. I just wanted to make it to coffee hour today to sit with people and talk."

"Oh." she said, "I don't think we've ever seen you sit down." huh.

I can give all sorts of excuses: when we came here we were sort of thrown head-first into the church business. We did officer training and installation within a week of being here, then we had this special worship service called...I can't remember, but something about the tartans, and we have to plan our installation and we are leading an all church retreat in two weeks, plus putting together extra lenten services, talking about nesting with another congregation, and just trying to get to know people and do the regular business of the church. We want to start a kids program, for the sake of our own kids as well as the church...All of this is true. But the bigger reality for me is that I am not comfortable here yet because I don't know people, I don't know the players, I don't understand the set-up or the situation, I don't know where the sacred cows are. And so I'm frantically trying to get to know all of this and I come across as exactly that - frantic.

So...I am trying to take a breath. I am trying to step down a little. This reality check has been good for me.

But additionally, it calls me, again, to look at my assumptions about other people. When we assume we know people, after a short acquaintance, we are not giving people the benefit of recognizing their complexity, their multiple layers of being, their stories that define who they are and how they will be in new situations, in different situations, over time as we get to know them. This reality also calls me to slow down. I can't get to know the church overnight. I can't get to know these individual people over night. And being frantic will not lessen the time it will take to be on this journey in this place, with these people, at this time. Instead it will cause people to feel frantic and uneasy around me and will, therefore, lengthen the amount of time it will take. So here's my new mantra:

Slow down, take the time, breathe. Slow down, take the time, breathe. Slow down, take the time, breathe.

Ask me how it's going next month!