Treating others as you would wish to be treated? And yet, we are all so different.

I've been thinking about this whole "treat others as you would have them treat you" idea and I've been realizing that while it is an important lesson to teach our children, that it really doesn't make sense if you take this too literally. Once again, the spirit of this idea is essential. But if you take this to the letter of the law, even this one doesn't work.

For one thing, we each have different needs. At a most basic level, we need different amounts of food, different amounts of sleep, different amounts and kinds of activities. Some have medical conditions that require different needs. If you love pie, you can't just therefore give it to the diabetic down the street, "treating them as you would like to be treated." It doesn't make sense.

Women and men need different things, hence all the books out there on gender differences. To give one example, there are many books that talk about the fact that when men share problems they are usually looking for solutions. When women share problems they almost never are looking for advice or for someone to fix them: they really just want to be heard, want support, want commiseration. When, then, we try to just commiserate with a man who is sharing his problems looking for advice, he can become very frustrated. Even more so, perhaps, when a woman shares her thoughts/feelings only to be told how to "fix" them. You can see, then, how if you are treating someone of the opposite gender the way that you would like to be treated, it can become very problematic. Our needs are different.

Other things inform those differences as well. Some of us need to be leaders and want to be treated with the respect of the positions we hold. Some of us need to be followers, and are more comfortable being given an idea or plan to follow. Some of us are romantics who want to be wined and dined. Others are more down to earth and are uncomfortable with too much "sugar." Sometimes those roles should be challenged. Other times, treating people as if they were yourself with the same desires and dreams you have just plain doesn't make sense.

Turning this around, "treat others as you believe they want to be treated" can also be problematic, though. Some people would want to have everything for themselves and giving everything to some is obviously not fair. Really caring for people, which I believe is what God calls us to do, can not mean letting anyone have free reign, either, because that is not really caring for them. I like Scott Peck's definition of love which is "wishing the highest spiritual growth" for someone. If we really care about one another, we are going to want to help each other grow into whole people, whatever that means for each individual (I'm not prescribing one path here - I think it is different for each person). In order to grow into the most whole person you can be, there does need to be some place for correction, or for consequences, or for reality checks.

We have to look at the "treat others as you would wish to be treated" from the bigger perspective, not from a literal place. Even this most basic of rules cannot be taken literally.

Maybe the way that I would want to word this, then, is "treat others as God calls you to." That means showing respect, that means giving love, that means telling the truth (most of the time, at least), that means making sure everyone has their basic needs met. It means looking at the other through the eyes of love, of genuine care. It means working with the other for their highest growth: helping each other become the most whole we can be.

This is a harder goal than just "treating others as you would want to be treated" because it means you actually have to know something about the other. You can't do this just looking at others as people who have the same needs/desires/goals/visions as yourself. It requires actually trying to see the other, and that takes energy, time, and commitment.

"Treating others as you would want to be treated" is a baby step towards this goal. It is a necessary step, but it is just a beginning. In our journey towards wholeness, we also must grow past this most basic "rule" and into the larger law of love.