Optimism vs. Realism. or: Is truth more important than happiness?

Today my son had one of his soccer games. I have to admit, he is not great at the sport, for a number of reasons. One of those reasons is that he gets distracted all too easily, looking at the grass, at his shirt, at the net, and the ball flies right by him. As we walked away after the game, I asked Jonah if he had had a good time, and he responded by saying, "no. I'm not good at the game. I'm not a good soccer player so I'm not having a good time." The realist in me which values that realism just could not bring myself to lie to him and tell him that he was a good soccer player. I did say something about the goal being to just enjoy himself and something about every player having strengths and areas of growth and something else about how he is doing better every week. But my six year old saw through it all and just reaffirmed that he wasn't a good soccer player and so he wasn't enjoying soccer.

The conversation brought to mind another little boy I know who is also very poor at sports, but who is an optimist instead of a realist. This other little boy, despite the fact that his mother and sister assure me privately that actually he is one of the worst basket-ball players they've ever seen, believes himself to be a good player. Because of this belief, he enjoys himself immensely as he plays, his self-confidence and esteem remain high, and he is generally a happier person.

As I listened to Jonah and as I reflected on the situation with this other boy, I found myself thinking about the difference between optimism and realism and wondering if the long-term value I've had for realism isn't misplaced, at least when it comes to my children.

One of the few things I actually learned from my psychology degree was that in numerous studies done on human perception, optimists generally do not see the world as realistically as pessimists. They literally do not see the bad things around them. One specific test showed that optimists believed others to have a much higher opinion of the optimists than they actually did, whereas so called "pessimists" were actually very realistic in their views of how others saw them. I have never forgotten this, in part because I, myself, am definitely a "realist" (I don't like the word pessimist and given the research, I think realist is more accurate anyway). Whenever, then, I'm tempted to think others have a better opinion of me than I know they do, whenever I have even the slightest urge to boost my own importance or ego, even just in my own mind, I remember that while it may feel good to do that, those high-ego thoughts are not realistic. I am a person who chooses, consciously, to be realistic. I want to know what others really think, honestly, no matter how hurtful it may feel. I choose this for myself. And when I see optimists with their mistaken beliefs about how others see them, I choose realism again and again. But more and more I am aware of the cost of that choice.

Optimism has a lot of benefits. Health-wise, optimists tend to live longer because they don't accept negative diagnoses lying down. They choose to work for something better and they keep seeing hope (even when doctors have said there is none) and so they work towards health and keep working towards it. Their positive attitudes actually help with their health as well as their determination to survive. Optimists tend to get farther career-wise for the same reason. They don't let set-backs or even complete failures get them down. They pick themselves up and they keep going, trying again and again. The odds are good if someone keeps trying again and again that they will eventually succeed and I've seen that happen. Realists/pessimists get discouraged more easily, and therefore give up more easily as well. Socially it works out well for optimists too. Yes, they mistakenly believe others have a higher opinion of them than they really do, but they are happier because of it, which again makes it more likely that they will be surrounded by others. Overall, optimists are happier people, though they live in a world that is not "real."

I want my children to be happy. I value this. Do I value this as much as truth, honesty, seeing the world as it really is? Not for myself. But for my children? I think I do. I will continue to struggle to find that happy medium between truth and happiness, but I also think I will work harder towards happiness, esteem, and confidence for my children.