Love of spouse/partner, love of child

Over the last few months I've been thinking about love of spouse/partner and love of child. My thinking around this began when a very good friend/colleague/mentor wrote a blog entry about a woman who said she loved her husband more than her kids and the challenge that this created in some of those around her. Frankly it challenged me, too, and so I've been processing through this and trying to understand my own feelings as well as to come to some clarity about my beliefs around this issue.

I think back to 30 years ago when, as a child, I asked my mother who she loved best and was told that she loved my father best and her children second best. Maybe because this was my own experience I've assumed that this was normal for that time in our society. Since then, I think this has become less acceptable. And I think part of why it has become less acceptable has to do with an increased awareness of child-abuse. Statistics tell us that 68% of sexually abused children are abused by family members, and that almost five children die everyday as a result of child abuse. More than three out of four are under the age of 4. In 2007, approximately 5.8 million children were reported to have experienced abuse. Having worked as a volunteer on a battered women's hotline, I can also tell you that there were too many times when a parent put their love of spouse/partner above the love of child to the point of allowing the spouse's abuse of the child to lead eventually to the child's death. Even if the abuse was only aimed at the adult, staying with the abusive spouse, out of "love" ended up harming the children psychologically, sometimes in worse ways than the physical abuse itself. These are the reasons why loving your spouse/partner more than loving your child can be dangerous.

On the other hand, children grow up. And if we begin to approach our spouse/partner as an enemy, or someone from whom our children need protection, then what are we left with when our children are gone? Additionally, it is good for our children to experience a unified front when it comes to parenting, discipline, decisions, limits and boundaries. Parents who stand together and present that unified front often have children who feel more secure and are therefore healthier. Demonstrating a strong bond of parental love in front of our children also models for them ways to develop healthy, happy relationships later in their lives.

So, in the end, the (undoubtedly obvious) answer to the dilemma of who should one love more, child or spouse/partner, must be that we are really comparing apples and oranges here. I don't think you can love one over the other. I think they must be loved differently.

A child must be loved with the commitment of responsibility to raise our child in the most healthy, productive ways possible. That means keeping our eyes open and doing everything in our power to make sure they have the resources they need to live healthy, happy lives. It means setting limits and structures around their behavior so they can grow up to be happy, productive, functioning adults. It also means we have a responsibility to do everything in our power to keep them from abuse or mistreatment.

Our love for our spouse or partner must be different. Yes, we stand by them and support them and try to present a unified front with them in all things. At the same time, we are not supposed to love them in a protective way that babies them or enables them to live in ways that are abusive of themselves or anyone else. As equals, we are to love them by seeing them, truly, and by supporting them in the best versions of themselves, and by standing with them in that love. However, hiding their mis-deeds, allowing them to act in abusive or destructive ways, failing to stand up to them, even in the care of our children, and continuing to allow our children to suffer at abusive hands, is not loving towards our partners. This is co-dependent behavior. Loving our partners means treating them like adults in all ways, offering love, offering support, but also treating them with honesty which includes holding them accountable for their behavior and loving them enough to support and encourage growth and change. If an abuser cannot or will not change, we must be willing to do what is necessary to prevent future abuse, even to the point of leaving the relationship out of love, not only for our children and ourselves, but out of love for our partners as well - it does damage to a person's being to be allowed to abuse.

We must love our children and our spouses/partners differently. When these seem to conflict with each other, I think we have to really question whether or not that seeming conflict is real. Real love, which is willing to take risks and even to suffer for the better of the other, is not easy, whether it be for children or for partners. But I have to believe that acting out of genuine love for each other is acting in love for all involved, even if that is difficult to perceive.