The optimistic friend vs. the realistic friend

About a month ago I was watching an old Joan of Arcadia episode (season 1, episode 4, "the Boat") in which Adam was talking about the ability of the Vice Principle, Price, to destroy the best and most creative talents of his students. He did this simply by denying that the talent existed. To one student he said, "You have no talent in this what-so-ever", to another "I guarantee, that that (creation you are making) will never (work)!" The Vice Principle's belief that these students had no talent, wouldn't succeed, and were forever "losers" effectively defeated these kids when he expressed it, as he did, in no uncertain terms, to the kids themselves. The God character in the episode describes the fear and defeat that Price creates in the kids as nothing less than evil.

The episode has caused me to reflect again about what our role needs to be for one another. Adam shares with Joan that his amazing ability that Vice Principle Price took from him was an ability to play any instrument that he touched. He says that he played the piano for Price, but the way he describes himself playing, the listeners, and even Joan in the episode, have to wonder about this "ability" that Adam thinks he has. He is banging the keys, playing with his elbow and other body parts, reaching into the piano and strumming the strings - all very interesting and inventive, but a talent? One has to wonder. Still it is obvious that he was both passionate and interested in the "music" he was making before Price succeeded in "taking away that talent" by telling him he couldn't play.

What, then, is a talent, or a gift? And is our job to help each other see the truth about ourselves, or to support one another, despite any illusions we may have about who we each really are?

This has stayed with me over the month as I've reflected on, and witnessed, the many times that we act as Price did to one another, the many times that we defeat and destroy one another simply in our beliefs about each other's abilities, talents, prospects, or lack there of. I had a similar experience to Joan and Adam a while back in which a talent I had, or believed I had, I shared with a "friend" who believed it was his job to tell me the "truth" and who, by doing so, completely destroyed my ability to perform that task any longer. And while I believe in truth telling (because, after all, how can we grow without seeing the areas that need our attention and improvement), I have found myself thinking about the fact that truth is subjective and that we are part of creating truth with the very words we speak. Price and my friend both created a negative truth with their very words dismissing what we perceived as "talents". Others help develop talents by encouraging study, encouraging commitment, encouraging growth.

How then, do we negotiate the line between speaking the truth and yet not harming or destroying another? I think the answer must lie in how we speak the truth, and in how we say things. (An important part of this is paying attention to the motivation behind the words we use as well!).

For example, do we say, "You really have no musical talent what-so-ever!" which defeats another in a way that does not allow for growth or see the possibilities for change or development. Or do we say, "Wow! You really have a wonderful passion for playing those instruments. It might be interesting to see how a music teacher might be able to help you channel and hone all that creativity, perhaps helping you develop some technical skills that would support and enhance your abilities."

Do we say, "you will never get this boat to float" or do we say, "If you are really interested in building a boat, maybe I can help you find a class that could give you useful information about different materials and why they are used to make different parts of the boat..."

Do we say, "Well, that's just stupid. What a dump idea!" Or do we say, "that is an interesting idea. Can you say more about how that might work?"

As I've mentioned before in this blog, I do think that really loving another includes choosing to tell the truth in a way that helps one another to grow. But the key part of that phrase is "in a way that helps one another to grow." Saying destructive, attacking, accusing, "dissing" things to another person does not help him or her to grow. Listening, reflecting, speaking the truth in a hopeful, positive, empowering way will. It is not easy. It is a very difficult thing to do, and so when I hear another's honest but positive and caring critique, I know that it is a true act of love and I find myself deeply grateful. And, more and more, I choose to surround myself with realistically optimistic friends, rather than the ones who, in their truth telling, leave me feeling and therefore acting incapable and defeated.