Optimism vs. Realism. or: Is truth more important than happiness?

Today my son had one of his soccer games. I have to admit, he is not great at the sport, for a number of reasons. One of those reasons is that he gets distracted all too easily, looking at the grass, at his shirt, at the net, and the ball flies right by him. As we walked away after the game, I asked Jonah if he had had a good time, and he responded by saying, "no. I'm not good at the game. I'm not a good soccer player so I'm not having a good time." The realist in me which values that realism just could not bring myself to lie to him and tell him that he was a good soccer player. I did say something about the goal being to just enjoy himself and something about every player having strengths and areas of growth and something else about how he is doing better every week. But my six year old saw through it all and just reaffirmed that he wasn't a good soccer player and so he wasn't enjoying soccer.

The conversation brought to mind another little boy I know who is also very poor at sports, but who is an optimist instead of a realist. This other little boy, despite the fact that his mother and sister assure me privately that actually he is one of the worst basket-ball players they've ever seen, believes himself to be a good player. Because of this belief, he enjoys himself immensely as he plays, his self-confidence and esteem remain high, and he is generally a happier person.

As I listened to Jonah and as I reflected on the situation with this other boy, I found myself thinking about the difference between optimism and realism and wondering if the long-term value I've had for realism isn't misplaced, at least when it comes to my children.

One of the few things I actually learned from my psychology degree was that in numerous studies done on human perception, optimists generally do not see the world as realistically as pessimists. They literally do not see the bad things around them. One specific test showed that optimists believed others to have a much higher opinion of the optimists than they actually did, whereas so called "pessimists" were actually very realistic in their views of how others saw them. I have never forgotten this, in part because I, myself, am definitely a "realist" (I don't like the word pessimist and given the research, I think realist is more accurate anyway). Whenever, then, I'm tempted to think others have a better opinion of me than I know they do, whenever I have even the slightest urge to boost my own importance or ego, even just in my own mind, I remember that while it may feel good to do that, those high-ego thoughts are not realistic. I am a person who chooses, consciously, to be realistic. I want to know what others really think, honestly, no matter how hurtful it may feel. I choose this for myself. And when I see optimists with their mistaken beliefs about how others see them, I choose realism again and again. But more and more I am aware of the cost of that choice.

Optimism has a lot of benefits. Health-wise, optimists tend to live longer because they don't accept negative diagnoses lying down. They choose to work for something better and they keep seeing hope (even when doctors have said there is none) and so they work towards health and keep working towards it. Their positive attitudes actually help with their health as well as their determination to survive. Optimists tend to get farther career-wise for the same reason. They don't let set-backs or even complete failures get them down. They pick themselves up and they keep going, trying again and again. The odds are good if someone keeps trying again and again that they will eventually succeed and I've seen that happen. Realists/pessimists get discouraged more easily, and therefore give up more easily as well. Socially it works out well for optimists too. Yes, they mistakenly believe others have a higher opinion of them than they really do, but they are happier because of it, which again makes it more likely that they will be surrounded by others. Overall, optimists are happier people, though they live in a world that is not "real."

I want my children to be happy. I value this. Do I value this as much as truth, honesty, seeing the world as it really is? Not for myself. But for my children? I think I do. I will continue to struggle to find that happy medium between truth and happiness, but I also think I will work harder towards happiness, esteem, and confidence for my children.

The Challenges of Accepting Care.

I've been reflecting today on the abundance of blessings that daily surround us. Yes, life is full of trials. It is also full of so much grace. Yes, it is full of struggles, but it is also full of victories. Yes, it is full of injustices, but it is also full of undeserved generosity. It is full of inequalities; sometimes people get much less than is fair, but also sometimes we are given so much more than we could ever truly earn or even wish for. Yes, people act out of fear and selfishness at times. Other times, people act with the greatest of bravery and are selfless in ways that move me to tears. Today I have found myself thinking that it is at times just as hard to accept the blessings in life as it is to accept the injustices.

In November of this year the teachers at my younger children's school gave us a huge gift of clothing for our children. They knew we were struggling - we had to share the information with them because we were going to have to move and leave the school, taking our children but also no longer teaching music there (something we had been doing for the last three years). Without us even thinking of asking for any kind of support, they rallied together and gave our family this huge and generous gift that has been wonderful for all of my kids. I was reminded of this on Monday when Jasmyn came down to breakfast wearing a brand new summery t-shirt and reminded me that it was one of the gifts from the school.

I've written about their generosity before and the moving care we have experienced and witnessed at other times, as well. I was truly grateful for this gift as I am by others we have received. But I also found the acceptance of this care and generosity challenging.

Do you find it easy to be the recipient of care? Do you find it easy to be the recipient of generosity? I have to admit, I struggle almost as much with that kind of loving care when it comes in my direction as I do with all the injustices and inequalities we experience. I struggle with it in a different way, obviously. With injustices I can get righteously indignant, angry, and it inspires many of my rants on this blog. But when care and gifts come our way, I find myself often filled with something that is harder to express....I find myself feeling shame, or rather, an accute awareness of being given more than I deserve, more than I've earned. I am always aware that others are in greater need than I and that whatever gift is being offered would probably fill a greater need in others. I'm not proud of this reaction. I think it is something I need to work on and so I struggle to be grateful and to celebrate the care and generosity when it comes my way.

I also know that I am not alone in experiencing this as a challenge. Many of us struggle to learn how to receive gifts, generosity, and care graciously, with gratitude and a genuine joy at the blessings others bring us without our earning or working for them. We might see that allowing someone else to care for us is actually giving as well: it gives the other joy to be able to be generous, it gives another a sense of purpose and meaning to be able to serve or care for us. We might see this, but I think many of us feel we should be able to take care of ourselves and so when another does offer care, it feels shaming, like somehow we have failed in this basic goal of self-care. But the reality is that we are all interdependent. Today I might need you more than you need me, but tomorrow the reverse may be true. Daily we depend on others as we eat food others have grown, wear clothes others have made, drive on streets others have made in cars made by others. We depend on each other for our social needs as well. We need one another and there should be no shame in that.

It is also a reality that daily we are given the gifts of life, breath, sun, wind, without any effort or "earning" on our part. Life is grace. Life is blessing. And it is freely given. We don't feel shame about these gifts, usually because we fail to remember them, we take them for granted.

The goal, then, is to find that joy, celebration, awe, and gratitude for every blessing that comes our way: to learn not to take for granted the very breath we breathe, but also to accept with gratitude and joy the undeserved blessings brought by the people in our lives. Accepting grace is a challenge. But it is a challenge worth the work. Gratitude is a gift in itself and can inspire us to be generous and loving in return. Thanks be to God!

Legalism

I've been thinking today about a conversation on this blog that took place a long time ago about immigration, and the comments that followed. At the time, I decided not to respond to the comments, because I think that the comments should have space to stand on their own and invite others' thoughts/comments/reflections as well. But I woke up today thinking about one of those comments and wanting, finally, to respond.

The comment had to do with wanting our children to follow the law. But for myself, I don't want my kids to do what is "legal", I want my kids to do what is "right." And these things do not equate in my mind. I do have a law that I follow. It is the law of doing what is good to self, others, world, universe. This stems from my faith "Love your neighbor as yourself." But it also means that even when scriptural laws do not conform to caring for self, neighbor, world, that I can't and won't follow them.

As for civil law, I am proud of my record of civil disobedience - standing up against choices (mostly choices about responding to problems with violence, though also choices about taking rights away from others such as undocumented persons and gay/lesbian persons) that I believe go against the law to love others as self. I also choose to teach my children not to do behaviors that are legal but which I also think lack caring. For example, smoking is legal, but it hurts one's body and the body of those around us, so I encourage them to make a different choice, even though it is not illegal. Name calling is not illegal, being polite is not mandated by law, but I still encourage this behavior in my children.

I'm not saying that laws are unimportant. Unfortunately, I don't trust all of humanity to function with the law of caring for neighbors (yes, and enemies) as self and these laws help set limits for those who can't set them for themselves. They also set up consequences. But I can in no way believe that every law is a just and good law, and I must believe that we have to stand up and fight to change those laws that are unjust. That begins with voting, that continues to letter writing, it may move to civil disobedience, and it definitely should influence the personal choices we make about how we will live our lives, whether or not we will choose to follow a particular law. I can't follow it just because it is law. Too many have been hurt by that... think of segregation, think of all of the laws that have discriminated against a particular race, or religion, or belief or age (it used to be okay to do whatever you wanted to your children) or gender (it used to be okay to do whatever you wanted to your wife!) or sexual-orientation. Do we just say that "well, it is law, and we follow until we can change it?" I can't say this because while we are working to change it, people are being hurt NOW.

I just can't be a legalist. And while it is more difficult for children to have to analyze every decision against the law of caring, rather than just following a set of rules, I believe that teaching them how to do this, giving them a set of tools by which they make good decisions about how we treat others and the world, will be part of creating a more caring, loving, thoughtful world, one in which less people are hurt, one in which we are all working harder to love the other as ourselves.

On war, from the perspective of a confirmed pacifist

My family and I went to see the USS Cod this last weekend (a submarine). The experience was...interesting, fascinating, mostly disturbing for me. As I listened to the proud men who had been on this sub or who were at least talking about the sub, I became even more disturbed. They were "bragging" for lack of a better word about how many ships the sub had taken down.

As I listened, I could not help but be truly appalled. These were not "ships" that had gone down, these were people who had gone down. You can argue with me all you want about the need or necessity, about these deaths being "for a good cause" or even about a "just war", and I just will never buy it. These were people who were killed: daddies of little children, boys drafted to fight for something some of them didn't even understand, husbands, brothers, sons. For whatever reason, I am just not capable of separating people out into the categories of "friend" and "enemy" when we are talking about real people being violently and brutally destroyed because those with power decide to yield it and to play it out in the form of killing others through war.

That isn't to say that I think ideologies and politics are unimportant, or that I think we should ever ignore the injustices that those in power inflict on people. But I will never understand why we put so much money, energy, time, and commitment into figuring out new ways to kill and destroy people (often the very people being hurt by the injustices we are trying to confront and change) instead of putting all that money, time, energy, and commitment into figuring out other, more effective, less destructive and violent ways to handle political problems, injustices, etc. Really, if we spent a tenth the amount of energy using the amazing human brain power to figure out alternate solutions, I doubt we'd ever have to go to war and the images burned into my head of children burned with chemicals or explosions; of humans emotionally and mentally destroyed by the atrocities they have witnessed; of whole villages, towns, even cities destroyed would be no more.

How can a person be proud of how many people they've killed? How can we really believe that war leads to peace? Or that violence leads to peace? We've come to realize that beating on children does not get them to stop being violent, it only increases their chance of being violent. How can we not see this in the larger context of the world? Beating on other countries does not lead them to be peaceful, loving, accepting neighbors. It leads to anger, resentment and violent retaliation. Again, I'm not saying we should allow injustice. I am saying that we should use more than our anger and our hatred to overcome it.

The violence we inflict on others is simply beyond my understanding. I cannot comprehend how the call to "love your enemies" can ever include destroying them in war. I took the children to the USS Cod because it is a part of human history; a part I want them to understand, because I don't think we will find new ways to solve problems unless we understand the barbarism of the way we have solved problems in the past. But after hearing the pride in the men's voices as they talked about the people their sub had killed, I left feeling disappointed in humanity, scared for humanity, sad that I am part of this species in which the number of people killed is a source of celebration in any situation. I left feeling despair. I know that is not a helpful place to be, for myself or my kids. But that's what war does to people, whether you've lived it or not.

More funny sayings at our house

"Daddy is awesome! He is full of air!" (As he was blowing up balloons. She forgot the word "hot".)

"Look at that. He kicked the ball out of bounce" (I believe she meant "out of bounds").

"Can I please have some more prentzles?" (pretzels)

Trite sayings

It is only sometimes true that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. It is, however, often true that what doesn't kill you leaves one hell of a scar.