As I've mentioned before, my son has been a constant challenge for me, though also a source of great wonder and delight. An illustration:
Our family was walking through the woods along an isolated dirt path a couple months ago. We were walking pretty quietly paying attention to the nature around us though occasionally one of the children would point something out in a pretty quiet, subdued voice. Still, all of a sudden my son started to shout at the top of his lungs "EVERYBODY BE QUIET SO I CAN HEAR THE NATURE!!!" The rest of us started to laugh at the irony of this, which Jonah did not understand as he shouted louder and louder, "I CAN'T HEAR THE NATURE! EVERYONE IS BEING TOO LOUD! CAN EVERYONE PLEASE BE QUIET SO I CAN HEAR THE NATURE?!!" I tried to gently point out that the loudest thing in that forest at the moment was Jonah himself, but this did not go over well as he continued to shout about how everyone needed to quiet down!
We walked a little farther and Aislynn began the game of running ahead, looking back and asking if she was too far away. I told her she needed to stay where we could see her, so she responded by running ahead up to each next corner and then waiting for us. But eventually we came to quite a long straight stretch. She ran far ahead and then turned and yelled back, "is this okay?" Jonah responded, "No, you need to stop because you are too tiny!" "Too tiny?" I asked. "Yes," he responded, "she is so small now I can hardly see her so she needs to stop!" I found it amazing and fascinating that the issue for him was not that she was too far away, but that in being so far away, she looked too small!
Jonah is a wonder for me. The teachers at his various schools have constantly told us that he is a boy who cares about others, who is sensitive to how others are doing - he is the first kid on the playground to approach someone who has been hurt or is sad and get that child help. This is consistent with his behavior at home where he is the first person out of bed at night when one of his sisters has a bad dream, getting help, bringing them a stuffed animal. One of the boys in his school last year was a bully to a bunch of children and Jonah, after long thought, came up with the idea (on his own!) to give the bully a present - he said, "If I make friends with this boy, maybe he won't need to be a bully anymore." And amazingly, the teachers said it helped!
But he is also a child who has struggled. We have, for years now, tried to find ways to help our boy who cries easily, who becomes frustrated easily, who angers easily (though consistently his teachers have noted that he only expresses anger with provocation - and usually that provocation is someone being mean to another child - especially when the victim is his younger sister), who tires easily, who seems to need more attention than the girls, who cannot stay on task, who cannot sit still, who is extremely active, who often argues about the things we tell him to do, who, in some areas (such as creativity and vision for building) seems brilliant and in others (remembering what you've just asked him to do, remembering sight words, remembering
anything) seems clearly....slow? delayed? challenged?
Two years ago I became concerned enough about his crying/throwing himself on the ground behavior that I took him to a counselor. Jonah loved her, but she was not able to help. Then I went to a child psychologist who asked me a bunch of questions, and then threw the diagnosis of "low frustration tolerance" at a boy whom she never met and never wanted to meet. I did learn some things about parenting from her - but again, it did not help our son. The teacher began sending home notes, "He seems sad and tired. He can't stay on task. He is not focused." I responded by telling Jonah he needed to stay on task and pay attention and do his work. I told the teacher I was sorry he was giving her a bad time. She responded, "No! He is not giving me a bad time. He is a good kid who seems
unable to stay on task. He is sad because he is trying hard but simply cannot do it. He seems academically gifted, but he is not living up to this potential in any way because he can't stay on task. He needs some help." I took him to his doctor who ran a bunch of blood work (which came back normal). At the end of my rope, I asked the doctor if he could recommend anything. He referred Jonah to yet another psychologist. This one actually met Jonah. This one said, "we take seriously diagnoses here. You can't help a child when you don't know what is really wrong with him" This one met with Jonah for 6 one hour sessions during which Jonah underwent extensive academic and psychological testing.
The results were interesting and amazing to me. Yes, Jonah is absolutely brilliant in some areas: verbal communication and creativity being two areas in which he tested off the scale. But he also tested at the bottom of the scale in terms of short term memory retention. The psychologist told us that this great difference in brain competence usually stems from a genetic and chemical disorder that is skewing and affecting his ability to take the test and to give an accurate reading. Based on the other tests, as well as his own observations, the detailed forms filled out by his teachers, and our own observations, the genetic and chemical disorder that Jonah suffers from is...ADHD with some sensory integration issues complicating it.
I shouldn't have been surprised. I had guessed at the sensory integration issues and had done a lot of reading about that. ADHD I did not want to hear, I did not want to believe...because the only solution we know at this point that has been found to be truly affective is medication, combined with some behavioral training - ugh (to the medication part)!!! As I said, I shouldn't have been surprised. Jasmyn's teachers had also suggested that she had ADD - not the hyperactive part, but the attention deficit part - which was also affecting areas of her ability to learn and concentrate. Jasmyn, too, had had the same academic testing done with the same weird results of being off the scale in terms of verbal ability, but when it came to timed activities that required focus of attention, she, too, had fallen under the norm. Still, Jasmyn seems to have developed coping skills. She now (just within the last 4 months) has finally taught herself some ways of focusing that allow her to succeed at the timed tests and even to thrive when she takes them.
But Jonah is a different child. It is possible that he, too, might eventually develop coping strategies. But in the mean time, he is growing to hate school. And while he stayed on par with the other students in his class in kindergarten, it was hard for him - very, very hard. He risks giving up and falling chronically behind. He acts tired because it takes such an extreme amount of his energy to focus on most academic tasks. His self-esteem is plummeting because he is smart enough to notice that he is somehow different. "What's wrong with me? I can't do this! I'm just stupid!" have become mantras in our house that break my heart. My protests that he is not stupid at all fall on deaf ears with the boy who sees that he is different and has to struggle so much more than those around him. So, despite all my promises to myself and my family that I would not go the medication route with my children, I am going to try this with Jonah. I just cannot watch him struggle through another year like this.
I'm not leaving it just with medication. His psychologist also wants to work with Jonah as well as Mark and I to develop strategies to help him develop the coping skills he will need over time. Jonah's doctor also agrees that this is a necessary part of treatment as well and will support all of us in our learning and coping. But starting Saturday, we begin a new journey with our child. I am hoping and praying that it will be a positive one. I am hoping and praying that this will help. I am hoping and praying that the wonder of my child will remain, and that the challenges will be eased a bit. I hope and pray we are making the right decisions for him. I hope and pray that as we walk through the forest, thinking that we are paying attention, that we may also really hear our children when they are shouting for us to quiet down and listen!
Posts
