Love of spouse/partner, love of child

Over the last few months I've been thinking about love of spouse/partner and love of child. My thinking around this began when a very good friend/colleague/mentor wrote a blog entry about a woman who said she loved her husband more than her kids and the challenge that this created in some of those around her. Frankly it challenged me, too, and so I've been processing through this and trying to understand my own feelings as well as to come to some clarity about my beliefs around this issue.

I think back to 30 years ago when, as a child, I asked my mother who she loved best and was told that she loved my father best and her children second best. Maybe because this was my own experience I've assumed that this was normal for that time in our society. Since then, I think this has become less acceptable. And I think part of why it has become less acceptable has to do with an increased awareness of child-abuse. Statistics tell us that 68% of sexually abused children are abused by family members, and that almost five children die everyday as a result of child abuse. More than three out of four are under the age of 4. In 2007, approximately 5.8 million children were reported to have experienced abuse. Having worked as a volunteer on a battered women's hotline, I can also tell you that there were too many times when a parent put their love of spouse/partner above the love of child to the point of allowing the spouse's abuse of the child to lead eventually to the child's death. Even if the abuse was only aimed at the adult, staying with the abusive spouse, out of "love" ended up harming the children psychologically, sometimes in worse ways than the physical abuse itself. These are the reasons why loving your spouse/partner more than loving your child can be dangerous.

On the other hand, children grow up. And if we begin to approach our spouse/partner as an enemy, or someone from whom our children need protection, then what are we left with when our children are gone? Additionally, it is good for our children to experience a unified front when it comes to parenting, discipline, decisions, limits and boundaries. Parents who stand together and present that unified front often have children who feel more secure and are therefore healthier. Demonstrating a strong bond of parental love in front of our children also models for them ways to develop healthy, happy relationships later in their lives.

So, in the end, the (undoubtedly obvious) answer to the dilemma of who should one love more, child or spouse/partner, must be that we are really comparing apples and oranges here. I don't think you can love one over the other. I think they must be loved differently.

A child must be loved with the commitment of responsibility to raise our child in the most healthy, productive ways possible. That means keeping our eyes open and doing everything in our power to make sure they have the resources they need to live healthy, happy lives. It means setting limits and structures around their behavior so they can grow up to be happy, productive, functioning adults. It also means we have a responsibility to do everything in our power to keep them from abuse or mistreatment.

Our love for our spouse or partner must be different. Yes, we stand by them and support them and try to present a unified front with them in all things. At the same time, we are not supposed to love them in a protective way that babies them or enables them to live in ways that are abusive of themselves or anyone else. As equals, we are to love them by seeing them, truly, and by supporting them in the best versions of themselves, and by standing with them in that love. However, hiding their mis-deeds, allowing them to act in abusive or destructive ways, failing to stand up to them, even in the care of our children, and continuing to allow our children to suffer at abusive hands, is not loving towards our partners. This is co-dependent behavior. Loving our partners means treating them like adults in all ways, offering love, offering support, but also treating them with honesty which includes holding them accountable for their behavior and loving them enough to support and encourage growth and change. If an abuser cannot or will not change, we must be willing to do what is necessary to prevent future abuse, even to the point of leaving the relationship out of love, not only for our children and ourselves, but out of love for our partners as well - it does damage to a person's being to be allowed to abuse.

We must love our children and our spouses/partners differently. When these seem to conflict with each other, I think we have to really question whether or not that seeming conflict is real. Real love, which is willing to take risks and even to suffer for the better of the other, is not easy, whether it be for children or for partners. But I have to believe that acting out of genuine love for each other is acting in love for all involved, even if that is difficult to perceive.

The optimistic friend vs. the realistic friend

About a month ago I was watching an old Joan of Arcadia episode (season 1, episode 4, "the Boat") in which Adam was talking about the ability of the Vice Principle, Price, to destroy the best and most creative talents of his students. He did this simply by denying that the talent existed. To one student he said, "You have no talent in this what-so-ever", to another "I guarantee, that that (creation you are making) will never (work)!" The Vice Principle's belief that these students had no talent, wouldn't succeed, and were forever "losers" effectively defeated these kids when he expressed it, as he did, in no uncertain terms, to the kids themselves. The God character in the episode describes the fear and defeat that Price creates in the kids as nothing less than evil.

The episode has caused me to reflect again about what our role needs to be for one another. Adam shares with Joan that his amazing ability that Vice Principle Price took from him was an ability to play any instrument that he touched. He says that he played the piano for Price, but the way he describes himself playing, the listeners, and even Joan in the episode, have to wonder about this "ability" that Adam thinks he has. He is banging the keys, playing with his elbow and other body parts, reaching into the piano and strumming the strings - all very interesting and inventive, but a talent? One has to wonder. Still it is obvious that he was both passionate and interested in the "music" he was making before Price succeeded in "taking away that talent" by telling him he couldn't play.

What, then, is a talent, or a gift? And is our job to help each other see the truth about ourselves, or to support one another, despite any illusions we may have about who we each really are?

This has stayed with me over the month as I've reflected on, and witnessed, the many times that we act as Price did to one another, the many times that we defeat and destroy one another simply in our beliefs about each other's abilities, talents, prospects, or lack there of. I had a similar experience to Joan and Adam a while back in which a talent I had, or believed I had, I shared with a "friend" who believed it was his job to tell me the "truth" and who, by doing so, completely destroyed my ability to perform that task any longer. And while I believe in truth telling (because, after all, how can we grow without seeing the areas that need our attention and improvement), I have found myself thinking about the fact that truth is subjective and that we are part of creating truth with the very words we speak. Price and my friend both created a negative truth with their very words dismissing what we perceived as "talents". Others help develop talents by encouraging study, encouraging commitment, encouraging growth.

How then, do we negotiate the line between speaking the truth and yet not harming or destroying another? I think the answer must lie in how we speak the truth, and in how we say things. (An important part of this is paying attention to the motivation behind the words we use as well!).

For example, do we say, "You really have no musical talent what-so-ever!" which defeats another in a way that does not allow for growth or see the possibilities for change or development. Or do we say, "Wow! You really have a wonderful passion for playing those instruments. It might be interesting to see how a music teacher might be able to help you channel and hone all that creativity, perhaps helping you develop some technical skills that would support and enhance your abilities."

Do we say, "you will never get this boat to float" or do we say, "If you are really interested in building a boat, maybe I can help you find a class that could give you useful information about different materials and why they are used to make different parts of the boat..."

Do we say, "Well, that's just stupid. What a dump idea!" Or do we say, "that is an interesting idea. Can you say more about how that might work?"

As I've mentioned before in this blog, I do think that really loving another includes choosing to tell the truth in a way that helps one another to grow. But the key part of that phrase is "in a way that helps one another to grow." Saying destructive, attacking, accusing, "dissing" things to another person does not help him or her to grow. Listening, reflecting, speaking the truth in a hopeful, positive, empowering way will. It is not easy. It is a very difficult thing to do, and so when I hear another's honest but positive and caring critique, I know that it is a true act of love and I find myself deeply grateful. And, more and more, I choose to surround myself with realistically optimistic friends, rather than the ones who, in their truth telling, leave me feeling and therefore acting incapable and defeated.