Being Barbara

More on Humility

noreply@blogger.com (BE) — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 16:38:00 +0000

As "people of faith" we are called to "walk humbly with our God." I've been thinking about this a great deal recently, especially as I've seen, experienced and even felt, personally, the lack of humility that is often so very central to many people who claim to be people of faith. I experience this no where as fully as I do when people of faith declare that their beliefs are the only true beliefs and that their faith is the only "true" faith. Who on earth are we to decide that God/the Universe/Life/Love/Spirit/Wisdom/however this manifests for each person... must relate to every single person on this planet in one and only one way, must speak to each person in only one way, must be present with people in only one way? While I celebrate and thoroughly enjoy corporate worship, conversations, and practices of faith with other people; at the same time, I can imagine nothing so intimate or personal as one's relationship with the Divine, in whatever way that manifests for each individual (including atheists. The ones I know still have some kind of personal connection with something beyond themselves, even though they do not think of this as "Divine"). And again, I find it the height of arrogance to declare that we know how God is to be present with everyone else! How is this walking humbly with God?! How is this acknowledging that God is beyond anything we know and that God acts in ways we cannot possibly understand? For Christians, whose whole job is to simply love God and love others, is this in anyway loving of either to insist on our way as the only way? This both limits God's possibilities and the possibilities of what God is capable of doing, and it does not help build bridges of understanding, peace, or love with our brothers and sisters in the world. I am different from you. You are different from me. How could you possibly relate to the Divine in the same way I do? How could I possibly expect God to relate to you in the same way?

Humility requires recognition that we don't have all the answers for ourselves, let alone for others. Humility requires being open to learning and hearing new things. Humility means continuing to grow and learn. Humility requires leading lives led by love.

And even more cultural differences

noreply@blogger.com (BE) — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 22:13:00 +0000

1.Mark and I have officiated at 4 memorials since we have been here. Every single one had a "wake" or visitation time before hand - even the one where the man was cremated included a time to visit the body the day before the service. I had never ever been to a wake or visitation in California (or even heard of one happening), but it appears to be standard out here.

2. Halloween is not October 31st here. It is the day that the city chooses for the kids to go trick or treating! In Ca, it was always October 31st.

3. And then there is this....

And finally, look at the last picture.... which is of a big machine that comes around and vacuums up everyone's leaves that they've raked into piles by the side of the road.

Love of spouse/partner, love of child

noreply@blogger.com (BE) — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 18:51:00 +0000

Over the last few months I've been thinking about love of spouse/partner and love of child. My thinking around this began when a very good friend/colleague/mentor wrote a blog entry about a woman who said she loved her husband more than her kids and the challenge that this created in some of those around her. Frankly it challenged me, too, and so I've been processing through this and trying to understand my own feelings as well as to come to some clarity about my beliefs around this issue.

I think back to 30 years ago when, as a child, I asked my mother who she loved best and was told that she loved my father best and her children second best. Maybe because this was my own experience I've assumed that this was normal for that time in our society. Since then, I think this has become less acceptable. And I think part of why it has become less acceptable has to do with an increased awareness of child-abuse. Statistics tell us that 68% of sexually abused children are abused by family members, and that almost five children die everyday as a result of child abuse. More than three out of four are under the age of 4. In 2007, approximately 5.8 million children were reported to have experienced abuse. Having worked as a volunteer on a battered women's hotline, I can also tell you that there were too many times when a parent put their love of spouse/partner above the love of child to the point of allowing the spouse's abuse of the child to lead eventually to the child's death. Even if the abuse was only aimed at the adult, staying with the abusive spouse, out of "love" ended up harming the children psychologically, sometimes in worse ways than the physical abuse itself. These are the reasons why loving your spouse/partner more than loving your child can be dangerous.

On the other hand, children grow up. And if we begin to approach our spouse/partner as an enemy, or someone from whom our children need protection, then what are we left with when our children are gone? Additionally, it is good for our children to experience a unified front when it comes to parenting, discipline, decisions, limits and boundaries. Parents who stand together and present that unified front often have children who feel more secure and are therefore healthier. Demonstrating a strong bond of parental love in front of our children also models for them ways to develop healthy, happy relationships later in their lives.

So, in the end, the (undoubtedly obvious) answer to the dilemma of who should one love more, child or spouse/partner, must be that we are really comparing apples and oranges here. I don't think you can love one over the other. I think they must be loved differently.

A child must be loved with the commitment of responsibility to raise our child in the most healthy, productive ways possible. That means keeping our eyes open and doing everything in our power to make sure they have the resources they need to live healthy, happy lives. It means setting limits and structures around their behavior so they can grow up to be happy, productive, functioning adults. It also means we have a responsibility to do everything in our power to keep them from abuse or mistreatment.

Our love for our spouse or partner must be different. Yes, we stand by them and support them and try to present a unified front with them in all things. At the same time, we are not supposed to love them in a protective way that babies them or enables them to live in ways that are abusive of themselves or anyone else. As equals, we are to love them by seeing them, truly, and by supporting them in the best versions of themselves, and by standing with them in that love. However, hiding their mis-deeds, allowing them to act in abusive or destructive ways, failing to stand up to them, even in the care of our children, and continuing to allow our children to suffer at abusive hands, is not loving towards our partners. This is co-dependent behavior. Loving our partners means treating them like adults in all ways, offering love, offering support, but also treating them with honesty which includes holding them accountable for their behavior and loving them enough to support and encourage growth and change. If an abuser cannot or will not change, we must be willing to do what is necessary to prevent future abuse, even to the point of leaving the relationship out of love, not only for our children and ourselves, but out of love for our partners as well - it does damage to a person's being to be allowed to abuse.

We must love our children and our spouses/partners differently. When these seem to conflict with each other, I think we have to really question whether or not that seeming conflict is real. Real love, which is willing to take risks and even to suffer for the better of the other, is not easy, whether it be for children or for partners. But I have to believe that acting out of genuine love for each other is acting in love for all involved, even if that is difficult to perceive.

The optimistic friend vs. the realistic friend

noreply@blogger.com (BE) — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 15:48:00 +0000

About a month ago I was watching an old Joan of Arcadia episode (season 1, episode 4, "the Boat") in which Adam was talking about the ability of the Vice Principle, Price, to destroy the best and most creative talents of his students. He did this simply by denying that the talent existed. To one student he said, "You have no talent in this what-so-ever", to another "I guarantee, that that (creation you are making) will never (work)!" The Vice Principle's belief that these students had no talent, wouldn't succeed, and were forever "losers" effectively defeated these kids when he expressed it, as he did, in no uncertain terms, to the kids themselves. The God character in the episode describes the fear and defeat that Price creates in the kids as nothing less than evil.

The episode has caused me to reflect again about what our role needs to be for one another. Adam shares with Joan that his amazing ability that Vice Principle Price took from him was an ability to play any instrument that he touched. He says that he played the piano for Price, but the way he describes himself playing, the listeners, and even Joan in the episode, have to wonder about this "ability" that Adam thinks he has. He is banging the keys, playing with his elbow and other body parts, reaching into the piano and strumming the strings - all very interesting and inventive, but a talent? One has to wonder. Still it is obvious that he was both passionate and interested in the "music" he was making before Price succeeded in "taking away that talent" by telling him he couldn't play.

What, then, is a talent, or a gift? And is our job to help each other see the truth about ourselves, or to support one another, despite any illusions we may have about who we each really are?

This has stayed with me over the month as I've reflected on, and witnessed, the many times that we act as Price did to one another, the many times that we defeat and destroy one another simply in our beliefs about each other's abilities, talents, prospects, or lack there of. I had a similar experience to Joan and Adam a while back in which a talent I had, or believed I had, I shared with a "friend" who believed it was his job to tell me the "truth" and who, by doing so, completely destroyed my ability to perform that task any longer. And while I believe in truth telling (because, after all, how can we grow without seeing the areas that need our attention and improvement), I have found myself thinking about the fact that truth is subjective and that we are part of creating truth with the very words we speak. Price and my friend both created a negative truth with their very words dismissing what we perceived as "talents". Others help develop talents by encouraging study, encouraging commitment, encouraging growth.

How then, do we negotiate the line between speaking the truth and yet not harming or destroying another? I think the answer must lie in how we speak the truth, and in how we say things. (An important part of this is paying attention to the motivation behind the words we use as well!).

For example, do we say, "You really have no musical talent what-so-ever!" which defeats another in a way that does not allow for growth or see the possibilities for change or development. Or do we say, "Wow! You really have a wonderful passion for playing those instruments. It might be interesting to see how a music teacher might be able to help you channel and hone all that creativity, perhaps helping you develop some technical skills that would support and enhance your abilities."

Do we say, "you will never get this boat to float" or do we say, "If you are really interested in building a boat, maybe I can help you find a class that could give you useful information about different materials and why they are used to make different parts of the boat..."

Do we say, "Well, that's just stupid. What a dump idea!" Or do we say, "that is an interesting idea. Can you say more about how that might work?"

As I've mentioned before in this blog, I do think that really loving another includes choosing to tell the truth in a way that helps one another to grow. But the key part of that phrase is "in a way that helps one another to grow." Saying destructive, attacking, accusing, "dissing" things to another person does not help him or her to grow. Listening, reflecting, speaking the truth in a hopeful, positive, empowering way will. It is not easy. It is a very difficult thing to do, and so when I hear another's honest but positive and caring critique, I know that it is a true act of love and I find myself deeply grateful. And, more and more, I choose to surround myself with realistically optimistic friends, rather than the ones who, in their truth telling, leave me feeling and therefore acting incapable and defeated.

Munchkin Soccer - Day One

noreply@blogger.com (BE) — Sat, 29 Aug 2009 14:34:00 +0000

Today, Aislynn had her very first soccer team meeting. She is in a group called "munchkin soccer" and it is for 3-4 year olds. It was truly the most hilarious hour of my week, watching the coach attempt to teach seven little children something about soccer.

It starts with the coach simply trying to organize the kids "Okay, will all the cobra soccer kids please come over here?" he shouts, as one runs across the field, another stoops down to pick a flower, a third runs over to mom and dad for a hug, and a fourth stands in the middle of the field crying. The remaining children danced, rolled, ran and stood in place, totally oblivious to the activity in front of them. He finally gets all the kids together and says, "Okay, stay here." He then tries to go pick up the soccer ball they needed to use, but all the kids followed him across the field to get it. He turns around half way across the field, "No - stay here!" he commands, "Don't follow me," so they each wander off in their own directions and by the time he returns with the ball, he has to start the round-up routine all over again.

He puts the kids in two lines facing each other, and tells the one side "now kick the ball to the person across from you who is your partner." But all the kids wait, seeming to need him to individually guide them to kick their ball. So, one by one, he comes to each kid and shows him/her the person across from them to whom they are supposed to kick the ball. But by the time the kids kick the ball, their partner inevitably has moved or is doing something else or has left the field entirely. In the mean time, the other pairs are playing with the net goal, rounding up everyone's balls, or running back to mom and dad.

Eventually the kids are joined by another small group so they can actually try to play a game. This, too, is nothing short of hilarious. One kid stoops down and picks up the ball. "No, no! You can't touch it with your hands!" the coach shouts to which the kid takes the ball and runs across the field, throwing it as hard as he can out of bounds. When the ball comes back, all the kids on one team converge on it and kick it towards a goal - it doesn't matter that it is the wrong goal - the kids still yell and cheer and happily try to kick it towards the goal again. The kids on the other team were, again, rounding up all the extra soccer balls and kicking them out onto the field as well.

Kids enthusiastic one minute suddenly turn sullen and to tears in the next. But all the coach has to do is take them by the hand for a minute, guide them in the right direction, and they cheerfully bound off again. A couple parents, discouraged and embarrassed, threaten their child. "If you don't stop coming over here and don't start paying attention, we are not returning next week!" we hear from the parents of one three year old boy who is clearly having the time of his life, though his "soccer activity" involves simply running to the ball, then running back to his parents to tell them about the ball, then running to the goal and then running back to his parents to tell them about the goal. But most of the parents join Mark and I in just seeing this as truly the most delightful entertainment of the week. Did the kids learn anything about soccer today? Maybe...when I asked Aislynn if she learned anything she reported that she is supposed to kick the ball with the side of her foot. That's a pretty good start. Mostly, they just had a good time. And for a four year old, a morning of having a good time, outside, with a ball and other children is pretty amazing and more than enough to ask for. It was a great start to the day for us as well!

My son - the gifts, the challenges.

noreply@blogger.com (BE) — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 14:56:00 +0000

As I've mentioned before, my son has been a constant challenge for me, though also a source of great wonder and delight. An illustration:

Our family was walking through the woods along an isolated dirt path a couple months ago. We were walking pretty quietly paying attention to the nature around us though occasionally one of the children would point something out in a pretty quiet, subdued voice. Still, all of a sudden my son started to shout at the top of his lungs "EVERYBODY BE QUIET SO I CAN HEAR THE NATURE!!!" The rest of us started to laugh at the irony of this, which Jonah did not understand as he shouted louder and louder, "I CAN'T HEAR THE NATURE! EVERYONE IS BEING TOO LOUD! CAN EVERYONE PLEASE BE QUIET SO I CAN HEAR THE NATURE?!!" I tried to gently point out that the loudest thing in that forest at the moment was Jonah himself, but this did not go over well as he continued to shout about how everyone needed to quiet down!

We walked a little farther and Aislynn began the game of running ahead, looking back and asking if she was too far away. I told her she needed to stay where we could see her, so she responded by running ahead up to each next corner and then waiting for us. But eventually we came to quite a long straight stretch. She ran far ahead and then turned and yelled back, "is this okay?" Jonah responded, "No, you need to stop because you are too tiny!" "Too tiny?" I asked. "Yes," he responded, "she is so small now I can hardly see her so she needs to stop!" I found it amazing and fascinating that the issue for him was not that she was too far away, but that in being so far away, she looked too small!

Jonah is a wonder for me. The teachers at his various schools have constantly told us that he is a boy who cares about others, who is sensitive to how others are doing - he is the first kid on the playground to approach someone who has been hurt or is sad and get that child help. This is consistent with his behavior at home where he is the first person out of bed at night when one of his sisters has a bad dream, getting help, bringing them a stuffed animal. One of the boys in his school last year was a bully to a bunch of children and Jonah, after long thought, came up with the idea (on his own!) to give the bully a present - he said, "If I make friends with this boy, maybe he won't need to be a bully anymore." And amazingly, the teachers said it helped!

But he is also a child who has struggled. We have, for years now, tried to find ways to help our boy who cries easily, who becomes frustrated easily, who angers easily (though consistently his teachers have noted that he only expresses anger with provocation - and usually that provocation is someone being mean to another child - especially when the victim is his younger sister), who tires easily, who seems to need more attention than the girls, who cannot stay on task, who cannot sit still, who is extremely active, who often argues about the things we tell him to do, who, in some areas (such as creativity and vision for building) seems brilliant and in others (remembering what you've just asked him to do, remembering sight words, remembering anything) seems clearly....slow? delayed? challenged?

Two years ago I became concerned enough about his crying/throwing himself on the ground behavior that I took him to a counselor. Jonah loved her, but she was not able to help. Then I went to a child psychologist who asked me a bunch of questions, and then threw the diagnosis of "low frustration tolerance" at a boy whom she never met and never wanted to meet. I did learn some things about parenting from her - but again, it did not help our son. The teacher began sending home notes, "He seems sad and tired. He can't stay on task. He is not focused." I responded by telling Jonah he needed to stay on task and pay attention and do his work. I told the teacher I was sorry he was giving her a bad time. She responded, "No! He is not giving me a bad time. He is a good kid who seems unable to stay on task. He is sad because he is trying hard but simply cannot do it. He seems academically gifted, but he is not living up to this potential in any way because he can't stay on task. He needs some help." I took him to his doctor who ran a bunch of blood work (which came back normal). At the end of my rope, I asked the doctor if he could recommend anything. He referred Jonah to yet another psychologist. This one actually met Jonah. This one said, "we take seriously diagnoses here. You can't help a child when you don't know what is really wrong with him" This one met with Jonah for 6 one hour sessions during which Jonah underwent extensive academic and psychological testing.

The results were interesting and amazing to me. Yes, Jonah is absolutely brilliant in some areas: verbal communication and creativity being two areas in which he tested off the scale. But he also tested at the bottom of the scale in terms of short term memory retention. The psychologist told us that this great difference in brain competence usually stems from a genetic and chemical disorder that is skewing and affecting his ability to take the test and to give an accurate reading. Based on the other tests, as well as his own observations, the detailed forms filled out by his teachers, and our own observations, the genetic and chemical disorder that Jonah suffers from is...ADHD with some sensory integration issues complicating it.

I shouldn't have been surprised. I had guessed at the sensory integration issues and had done a lot of reading about that. ADHD I did not want to hear, I did not want to believe...because the only solution we know at this point that has been found to be truly affective is medication, combined with some behavioral training - ugh (to the medication part)!!! As I said, I shouldn't have been surprised. Jasmyn's teachers had also suggested that she had ADD - not the hyperactive part, but the attention deficit part - which was also affecting areas of her ability to learn and concentrate. Jasmyn, too, had had the same academic testing done with the same weird results of being off the scale in terms of verbal ability, but when it came to timed activities that required focus of attention, she, too, had fallen under the norm. Still, Jasmyn seems to have developed coping skills. She now (just within the last 4 months) has finally taught herself some ways of focusing that allow her to succeed at the timed tests and even to thrive when she takes them.

But Jonah is a different child. It is possible that he, too, might eventually develop coping strategies. But in the mean time, he is growing to hate school. And while he stayed on par with the other students in his class in kindergarten, it was hard for him - very, very hard. He risks giving up and falling chronically behind. He acts tired because it takes such an extreme amount of his energy to focus on most academic tasks. His self-esteem is plummeting because he is smart enough to notice that he is somehow different. "What's wrong with me? I can't do this! I'm just stupid!" have become mantras in our house that break my heart. My protests that he is not stupid at all fall on deaf ears with the boy who sees that he is different and has to struggle so much more than those around him. So, despite all my promises to myself and my family that I would not go the medication route with my children, I am going to try this with Jonah. I just cannot watch him struggle through another year like this.

I'm not leaving it just with medication. His psychologist also wants to work with Jonah as well as Mark and I to develop strategies to help him develop the coping skills he will need over time. Jonah's doctor also agrees that this is a necessary part of treatment as well and will support all of us in our learning and coping. But starting Saturday, we begin a new journey with our child. I am hoping and praying that it will be a positive one. I am hoping and praying that this will help. I am hoping and praying that the wonder of my child will remain, and that the challenges will be eased a bit. I hope and pray we are making the right decisions for him. I hope and pray that as we walk through the forest, thinking that we are paying attention, that we may also really hear our children when they are shouting for us to quiet down and listen!

On Children

noreply@blogger.com (BE) — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 15:15:00 +0000

"Your children are not your children,
They are the sons and the daughters of life's longing for itself.
They come through you, but they are not from you
and though they are with you,
They belong not to you." - Khalil Gibran

We are, as a family, "on vacation" this week and so yesterday we went to Harry London's Chocolate Factory. I found the tour fascinating and interesting and, of course, it ends in the gift shop - so delicious and delightful as well. We told the kids they could each purchase one thing. Jasmyn bought jelly beans, Jonah a stuffed bear and Aislynn a lollipop. Did I mention we were at a chocolate factory?

To say it once more, "your children are not your children..." What more proof could there be that these, my precious babies are not really mine at all!

And still more cultural differences

noreply@blogger.com (BE) — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 12:26:00 +0000

1. There are literally word differences. For example, in CA when we bought our houses, our lenders always asked us if we wanted an "impound account". Here, when I talked to a mortgage guy and asked him about "impound accounts" he said I had made that word up and that the word is "escrow account" - well, I looked it up and it depends on where you are in the country. They do, in fact, mean the same thing. But I've found these small word differences again and again out here. "Youth" for example, in the Bay Area is a pretty specific age - teen-agers, to be precise. Here, youth is anybody under 21 - including small children.

2. People are much more nationalistic here. They would say they are more patriotic, but, coming from the Bay Area, I don't believe that to be the case. In the Bay Area, people were extremely involved in/interested in/worked towards improving the government, its decisions and how these affect everyone. This is patriotism to me - a care about how the country is working and an insistence that it be held to accountability and to high standards! Here, there is more of a blind nationalism. I don't see as many folk (again, on the West side - I understand this is different in Cleveland, and on the East) who are talking about politics or working to change things. At the same time, "flag day" is an important date to show your love (unconditional and unchallenged love) for your country, and every where people had put out their American flags on that day. What on earth is flag day? I had barely heard of it before I came here.

3. Along those same lines, there are different holidays celebrated here -or, in some cases, the holidays that are celebrated here are just done/emphasized differently. For example, St. Patrick's day never gets much attention in the Bay Area. Here, it is a big deal with parades and festivities galore. And they actually have a holiday here that we don't - Sweetie's Day. Apparently, some card company thought they could make more money by inventing a Valentine's day for the fall - and they did that. Sweetie's Day takes place sometime in October.

4. The whole approach to religion here is different. In the Bay Area I was uncomfortable even mentioning my faith to people. There was such an overwhelming negativity towards religion of any kind, and especially Christianity. I have not found that here. It has been an amazing gift to be able to say what I do for work without people making faces, turning away, shutting me out and generally ending both conversation and relationship on the basis of the fact that I am a person of faith. At the same time, there is a whole suspicion here about denominations that I don't understand and need to explore further. When I tell people I am a pastor, they are fine with that. But when I answer the next question, which is inevitably, "which church do you work for?" with a "St. Andrew's Presbyterian", there is always a follow up of "Is that part of a denomination?" and when I answer that it is, I THEN get the faces and the turning away and the shut doors. Kind of amazing. Don't people think accountability is important? Cult leaders have no accountability and look how dangerous they become! Really, I need to explore this because I don't understand it at all.

I'll let you know when I think of more....

Are things finally settling down?

noreply@blogger.com (BE) — Fri, 24 Jul 2009 18:50:00 +0000

As I've talked about before in this blog, or at least as I've hinted, things have been really difficult and chaotic for Mark and I for over a year now. We've had the stress of job changes and job losses, moving (twice within the last six months, three times in the last three years), uprooting and changing communities, leaving things, places, people, we understood and loved - states, schools, moving away from family, coming to a place that is completely unfamiliar; financial challenges, our renter in CA not paying on time and even bouncing checks; surgery, unknown health issues, known health issues that are expensive to fix, and these are just the outward challenges and stressors. Add to these the stress we experienced for awhile of dealing with a potentially violent, crazy and angry person in our immediate community as well as other personal relationship stresses and it has been a year to recon with. I say this hoping you will understand that this last paragraph is greatly understated. It has been difficult. It has been extreme.

Throughout this time I have kept the mantra in my own life going "this too shall pass. This, too, shall pass. This, too, shall pass." But it has been hard to see the end of it.

It does seem finally that things may be settling down a little, though I admit I say this with fear and trembling: afraid to curse the blessings that seem to finally be coming back to us. We are finally settled into a house that is more permanent (we are no longer being asked to leave by a person wanting to sell the house, and we are in a big enough place now that we can actually find our shoes each morning!). Our job seems to be going well. We are finding little bits of supplemental income that have been getting us through each month. Our renter has just paid both his rent and the fees for late payment. I am finally finding time in my work not just to be learning and catching up, but to be dreaming and doing things that I feel are really the job of being a pastor. We are getting to know the people in our church community and they have mostly been truly wonderful to us.

It has been good to be reminded of the good things that we are given and that we experience each day. It is good to see the sun, to visit with friends and family who have come out to see us. Small dreams have been realized for me as I find ways to incorporate music even in this job that does not have specific music responsibilities. Small dreams have been realized for Mark as he's been able to play trumpet for local theaters, as we've moved into a community with big, tall trees that is within walking distance of the school and our work. I am more appreciative of these blessings because we have been in such a dry period for such a long time. Every day I see new things to be thankful for, and I am deeply grateful to all the community, close and far, that has supported and continues to support us.

At the same time that all of this is going on, I keep remembering Maslow's Hierarchy of needs. We have been stuck in the bottom two levels - the physiological needs and safety needs - for awhile now, mostly focusing on the needs of shelter, financial safety, health issues. And while these will continue to be issues for us, they are not as desperate as they have been. And so now that these are not consuming absolutely all of our attention, we realize that other needs have been neglected for awhile. We could do nothing less. We had to focus on these most basic needs. But now we are in a place where other things are needing our attention - we are moving into the next levels - social needs, esteem. Because these have been necessarily neglected, it will take time and energy to set some of these back on the right track. So, if we have neglected you, if we have slighted you, please know that we are sorry and that we have more energy to care and reach out to you now. Please talk to us so we can work through whatever is needed. We care about our community, and we will be working hard to rebuild, to continue to build, to create and to heal where healing is needed.

God never leaves us without room to grow, without challenges to face. I am so very grateful that these challenges are moving up out of the bottom levels for us now. I am also grateful that life continues to hold challenges for us to work through and grow from. And I hope, as we remember those who still face the challenges of the bottom two levels, that from a place of knowing, experiencing, remembering our own time in the darkness, that we can give from a place of compassion, and gratitude, working towards the empowerment and wholeness of all people.

First Impressions

noreply@blogger.com (BE) — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 01:22:00 +0000

When Mark and I came to St. Andrews, we were told our very first day that a particular family which had been very central to the church here had just left and had joined another congregation of a different denomination. I had only met this family very briefly when we had come out to candidate at the church - my first impression of them was of a very open-minded, educated, interesting couple with similar theological politics (based on their occupations and the committees and activities we were told they participated in) to ours, and children just slightly older than our own. So, confused by this information that after hearing one sermon that Mark and I had preached together and having the briefest of conversations with us they had decided to leave the church, I gave them a call. I was told that they wanted to be in a church that had a bigger youth group. Okay, I get that.

But then on the 4th of July, they accidentally sat near us at a fireworks show and when they realized who they were sitting next to they abruptly left. A couple days later, their names came up in conversation and we were told that actually they left the church because they "didn't like our vision of what church was." I asked the individual how they could have possibly known what our vision of church was, since they had less than a minute of actual conversation with us and our sermon did not address that at all. Our informant said, "well, maybe they read something you wrote about your vision of church." No, neither Mark nor I have written anything about our vision of church in a public format. These were people who made a snap judgment about who we are, with very little information, and left the church, left their family of faith, left their community based on those snap judgments. Based on everything others have shared with us, we actually did have a lot in common with this family, but these were not people who were willing to suspend first impressions or even give us a chance. Obviously, my own snap judgment of them was also wrong, since I gave them a lot more credit for thought, patience, commitment, etc. than appears to have been due to them.

I've found that my judgments of people, my first impressions are almost always erroneous. The best supervisor I ever had was someone I didn't want to work with - my first, second and even third impressions of her were completely wrong. My best friends over the years have always been people I didn't like at first, and several past boy-friends were men I couldn't stand when I first met them. I could go on and on. But the point is that I am obviously not alone in making snap judgments based on first impressions. And I'm not alone in being wrong about those first impressions.

People are always more than they seem, always. This is the case if we've known them for half an hour or half a century. People are different depending on who they are with, their situations, their circumstances. If you've only seen a person in a specific context, you only know part of them. No matter how long you have known someone there are always situations you haven't seen them in - so there are always parts of a person you don't know. There will always be people who rub us wrong or whom we don't like. But usually when we understand their history or situations that made them who they are, we find compassion and care for them despite how our first impressions of them affect us. And of course, we are all God's children, capable of so much more than we currently are. I think we have a call to try to bring out the best in one another, and one of the ways we do that is to see each other for the beautiful, capable children of God that we each are. In our very observing, in our very vision, we change people. When someone looks at me with love, I act better. When someone looks at me like I'm a worm, it is hard not to feel that I am one and to act accordingly.

It is hard not to make snap judgments and we will have first impressions. We just need to remember, always, that those are not accurate and that they do not benefit anyone. I am lessened by your judgments of me. I am also lessened by my judgments on you for I do not have the joy of getting to know you, and the gift of getting to see who you really are. Rising above first impressions is a challenge - but it is a challenge worth meeting!

Changes and more changes

noreply@blogger.com (BE) — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 03:55:00 +0000

We are moving again. Not very far this time - just a mile from our current situation. Still, it will be a different school district and therefore different schools for the kids, it will be a different location, it means I'm packing up again, and that our house is in chaos and stress again. It is more expense, too, and that also adds strain. We had to move out of the place we've been renting because the owner wants to sell it. But it has been a quick whirl wind of craziness once more.

Mark and I are also each looking for a half time job to add to our full time work at church because economically we are far from breaking even each month. This is the situation of many, many of those around us, so we know we are not alone, not by any means. People are struggling to make ends meet. We are struggling to make ends meet.

I get how easy it is, how easy it can be, for people in these situations to become angry at God, or to decide there must not be a God, or maybe the answer is that God is not personal and doesn't care about us as individuals. I get that. And while the scripture that says that God looks after the sparrow so we shouldn't worry either sounds great, we see the birds which hit our windows or have been hit by cars and we know that sparrows don't always make it, despite the care they are promised, and that people, too, fall through the cracks.

How do we walk through these difficult times? Where do we see God in these moments? How do we understand God during times of struggle and difficulty? There isn't a short answer to these questions. There isn't a phrase that can give all the comfort needed. There isn't a sermon that can make everything okay in hard times. All I can tell you is what I do and what has been meaningful to me. All I can do is hope that will help you a little as you walk your own journey and find your own answers.

For me, at this place and at this time, I rely on three things to help me get through stressful times, to help me see God, and to understand where God is during difficult times.

First, I look at the beauty in nature. I see God reflected in the sunshine, in the green of the trees, in the fresh morning air. I feel Her presence as the wind blows by, I sense Her strength as each new day unfolds. I hear His voice in the singing of the birds and in the flow of water down a brook or stream. I am renewed in wonder at how much bigger than all of my problems the world in its glory continues to be.

Second, I remember my own personal faith tradition. I remember that the place in Christianity where God is during struggles is on the cross - with us in our struggles, facing these deaths in our lives, experiencing the pain even as we do. I remember also that death never ends the story - there is always life on the other side and I try to hold on to that vision of hope no matter how long or how hard the present may be.

Finally, I look towards community. Once again we have found ourselves surrounded by the love and care of an amazing community. Many in that community came out on Saturday to help us move all of our stuff into someone else's garage for a few days until we can get into our "new" place, and many have also promised to help us move again into the house on Wednesday. I was truly touched and overwhelmed by the care expressed. Those who couldn't physically help us move brought food, brought laughter, sent e-mails, brought support. In this community both near and far, I see God's face, I witness God's hands, I am awed by God's love as it manifests in others. Everyday I live I am supported by the community around me. It is the gift of grace itself.

These are the three things that I feel supporting me most now. Do these things answer the ultimate question of why suffering happens? Of course not. Do they solve the problem of pain or give us an insight into where God is and why God "allows" the world to be so difficult? Maybe a little. Do they help us walk our journey every day in the face of hardship? They do for me. And again, all I can do is share with others what helps me get through and hope that these will help you as well. And now back to the craziness of packing....

Be in peace.

Tea Bag Wisdom

noreply@blogger.com (BE) — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 13:14:00 +0000

I found this quote on my tea bag label and I love it!

"Fight for your opinions, but do not believe that they contain the whole truth, or the only truth."
Charles A. Dana

Pot and Kettle situations

noreply@blogger.com (BE) — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 16:11:00 +0000

Today we had a dress rehearsal for a musical at church. Jasmyn was standing on the stage and her brother, who has a very hard time focusing and staying on task, was not where he was supposed to be. Jasmyn screamed at him from the stage, "Jonah! You get up here right now! You are not where you are supposed to be!" It was obvious to me at that moment that Jasmyn's behavior, rather than making Jonah look incompetent, made Jasmyn look rather brattish, demanding, and bossy. So, in turn, I turned to Jasmyn and yelled, "Jasmyn, stop yelling at your brother! If you keep yelling at him from the stage...." and then the irony of the whole thing hit me as I saw everyone staring at me with frowns on their faces.

We all see this kind of irony, or lack of self-insight in those around us. The worst drivers I know are people who tailgate, drive recklessly and way beyond the speed limit and yet these are usually the same people whom we find cursing everyone else's driving. I had a woman correct my manners publicly once - I asked someone to do something and she added "Please" in a very loud, corrective voice and again she was completely unable to see that her response was more lacking in manners than my failure to remember the word "please". I can think of one situation in which a wife cannot throw anything away and has a refrigerator, kitchen, den, family room, etc. so covered with stuff that you can't function in these spaces and yet she is constantly "worried" about her husband who has a den full of stuff.

It is easy to see these flaws in others. It is easy for us to see the log in someone else's eye who is trying to remove the speck from ours. Can we even begin to see the logs in our own eyes when we are critical of others? This is much, much harder to do.

I thank God for those little moments of insight in which I see my own hypocrisy and lack of self-reflection, knowing that there are things I miss. But I also pray that we might all strive to remember that we don't see our own imperfections very clearly, so it behooves us to be less judging of others in turn.

Optimism vs. Realism. or: Is truth more important than happiness?

noreply@blogger.com (BE) — Sat, 30 May 2009 19:02:00 +0000

Today my son had one of his soccer games. I have to admit, he is not great at the sport, for a number of reasons. One of those reasons is that he gets distracted all too easily, looking at the grass, at his shirt, at the net, and the ball flies right by him. As we walked away after the game, I asked Jonah if he had had a good time, and he responded by saying, "no. I'm not good at the game. I'm not a good soccer player so I'm not having a good time." The realist in me which values that realism just could not bring myself to lie to him and tell him that he was a good soccer player. I did say something about the goal being to just enjoy himself and something about every player having strengths and areas of growth and something else about how he is doing better every week. But my six year old saw through it all and just reaffirmed that he wasn't a good soccer player and so he wasn't enjoying soccer.

The conversation brought to mind another little boy I know who is also very poor at sports, but who is an optimist instead of a realist. This other little boy, despite the fact that his mother and sister assure me privately that actually he is one of the worst basket-ball players they've ever seen, believes himself to be a good player. Because of this belief, he enjoys himself immensely as he plays, his self-confidence and esteem remain high, and he is generally a happier person.

As I listened to Jonah and as I reflected on the situation with this other boy, I found myself thinking about the difference between optimism and realism and wondering if the long-term value I've had for realism isn't misplaced, at least when it comes to my children.

One of the few things I actually learned from my psychology degree was that in numerous studies done on human perception, optimists generally do not see the world as realistically as pessimists. They literally do not see the bad things around them. One specific test showed that optimists believed others to have a much higher opinion of the optimists than they actually did, whereas so called "pessimists" were actually very realistic in their views of how others saw them. I have never forgotten this, in part because I, myself, am definitely a "realist" (I don't like the word pessimist and given the research, I think realist is more accurate anyway). Whenever, then, I'm tempted to think others have a better opinion of me than I know they do, whenever I have even the slightest urge to boost my own importance or ego, even just in my own mind, I remember that while it may feel good to do that, those high-ego thoughts are not realistic. I am a person who chooses, consciously, to be realistic. I want to know what others really think, honestly, no matter how hurtful it may feel. I choose this for myself. And when I see optimists with their mistaken beliefs about how others see them, I choose realism again and again. But more and more I am aware of the cost of that choice.

Optimism has a lot of benefits. Health-wise, optimists tend to live longer because they don't accept negative diagnoses lying down. They choose to work for something better and they keep seeing hope (even when doctors have said there is none) and so they work towards health and keep working towards it. Their positive attitudes actually help with their health as well as their determination to survive. Optimists tend to get farther career-wise for the same reason. They don't let set-backs or even complete failures get them down. They pick themselves up and they keep going, trying again and again. The odds are good if someone keeps trying again and again that they will eventually succeed and I've seen that happen. Realists/pessimists get discouraged more easily, and therefore give up more easily as well. Socially it works out well for optimists too. Yes, they mistakenly believe others have a higher opinion of them than they really do, but they are happier because of it, which again makes it more likely that they will be surrounded by others. Overall, optimists are happier people, though they live in a world that is not "real."

I want my children to be happy. I value this. Do I value this as much as truth, honesty, seeing the world as it really is? Not for myself. But for my children? I think I do. I will continue to struggle to find that happy medium between truth and happiness, but I also think I will work harder towards happiness, esteem, and confidence for my children.

The Challenges of Accepting Care.

noreply@blogger.com (BE) — Thu, 28 May 2009 01:11:00 +0000

I've been reflecting today on the abundance of blessings that daily surround us. Yes, life is full of trials. It is also full of so much grace. Yes, it is full of struggles, but it is also full of victories. Yes, it is full of injustices, but it is also full of undeserved generosity. It is full of inequalities; sometimes people get much less than is fair, but also sometimes we are given so much more than we could ever truly earn or even wish for. Yes, people act out of fear and selfishness at times. Other times, people act with the greatest of bravery and are selfless in ways that move me to tears. Today I have found myself thinking that it is at times just as hard to accept the blessings in life as it is to accept the injustices.

In November of this year the teachers at my younger children's school gave us a huge gift of clothing for our children. They knew we were struggling - we had to share the information with them because we were going to have to move and leave the school, taking our children but also no longer teaching music there (something we had been doing for the last three years). Without us even thinking of asking for any kind of support, they rallied together and gave our family this huge and generous gift that has been wonderful for all of my kids. I was reminded of this on Monday when Jasmyn came down to breakfast wearing a brand new summery t-shirt and reminded me that it was one of the gifts from the school.

I've written about their generosity before and the moving care we have experienced and witnessed at other times, as well. I was truly grateful for this gift as I am by others we have received. But I also found the acceptance of this care and generosity challenging.

Do you find it easy to be the recipient of care? Do you find it easy to be the recipient of generosity? I have to admit, I struggle almost as much with that kind of loving care when it comes in my direction as I do with all the injustices and inequalities we experience. I struggle with it in a different way, obviously. With injustices I can get righteously indignant, angry, and it inspires many of my rants on this blog. But when care and gifts come our way, I find myself often filled with something that is harder to express....I find myself feeling shame, or rather, an accute awareness of being given more than I deserve, more than I've earned. I am always aware that others are in greater need than I and that whatever gift is being offered would probably fill a greater need in others. I'm not proud of this reaction. I think it is something I need to work on and so I struggle to be grateful and to celebrate the care and generosity when it comes my way.

I also know that I am not alone in experiencing this as a challenge. Many of us struggle to learn how to receive gifts, generosity, and care graciously, with gratitude and a genuine joy at the blessings others bring us without our earning or working for them. We might see that allowing someone else to care for us is actually giving as well: it gives the other joy to be able to be generous, it gives another a sense of purpose and meaning to be able to serve or care for us. We might see this, but I think many of us feel we should be able to take care of ourselves and so when another does offer care, it feels shaming, like somehow we have failed in this basic goal of self-care. But the reality is that we are all interdependent. Today I might need you more than you need me, but tomorrow the reverse may be true. Daily we depend on others as we eat food others have grown, wear clothes others have made, drive on streets others have made in cars made by others. We depend on each other for our social needs as well. We need one another and there should be no shame in that.

It is also a reality that daily we are given the gifts of life, breath, sun, wind, without any effort or "earning" on our part. Life is grace. Life is blessing. And it is freely given. We don't feel shame about these gifts, usually because we fail to remember them, we take them for granted.

The goal, then, is to find that joy, celebration, awe, and gratitude for every blessing that comes our way: to learn not to take for granted the very breath we breathe, but also to accept with gratitude and joy the undeserved blessings brought by the people in our lives. Accepting grace is a challenge. But it is a challenge worth the work. Gratitude is a gift in itself and can inspire us to be generous and loving in return. Thanks be to God!

Legalism

noreply@blogger.com (BE) — Fri, 22 May 2009 12:36:00 +0000

I've been thinking today about a conversation on this blog that took place a long time ago about immigration, and the comments that followed. At the time, I decided not to respond to the comments, because I think that the comments should have space to stand on their own and invite others' thoughts/comments/reflections as well. But I woke up today thinking about one of those comments and wanting, finally, to respond.

The comment had to do with wanting our children to follow the law. But for myself, I don't want my kids to do what is "legal", I want my kids to do what is "right." And these things do not equate in my mind. I do have a law that I follow. It is the law of doing what is good to self, others, world, universe. This stems from my faith "Love your neighbor as yourself." But it also means that even when scriptural laws do not conform to caring for self, neighbor, world, that I can't and won't follow them.

As for civil law, I am proud of my record of civil disobedience - standing up against choices (mostly choices about responding to problems with violence, though also choices about taking rights away from others such as undocumented persons and gay/lesbian persons) that I believe go against the law to love others as self. I also choose to teach my children not to do behaviors that are legal but which I also think lack caring. For example, smoking is legal, but it hurts one's body and the body of those around us, so I encourage them to make a different choice, even though it is not illegal. Name calling is not illegal, being polite is not mandated by law, but I still encourage this behavior in my children.

I'm not saying that laws are unimportant. Unfortunately, I don't trust all of humanity to function with the law of caring for neighbors (yes, and enemies) as self and these laws help set limits for those who can't set them for themselves. They also set up consequences. But I can in no way believe that every law is a just and good law, and I must believe that we have to stand up and fight to change those laws that are unjust. That begins with voting, that continues to letter writing, it may move to civil disobedience, and it definitely should influence the personal choices we make about how we will live our lives, whether or not we will choose to follow a particular law. I can't follow it just because it is law. Too many have been hurt by that... think of segregation, think of all of the laws that have discriminated against a particular race, or religion, or belief or age (it used to be okay to do whatever you wanted to your children) or gender (it used to be okay to do whatever you wanted to your wife!) or sexual-orientation. Do we just say that "well, it is law, and we follow until we can change it?" I can't say this because while we are working to change it, people are being hurt NOW.

I just can't be a legalist. And while it is more difficult for children to have to analyze every decision against the law of caring, rather than just following a set of rules, I believe that teaching them how to do this, giving them a set of tools by which they make good decisions about how we treat others and the world, will be part of creating a more caring, loving, thoughtful world, one in which less people are hurt, one in which we are all working harder to love the other as ourselves.

On war, from the perspective of a confirmed pacifist

noreply@blogger.com (BE) — Sat, 09 May 2009 00:41:00 +0000

My family and I went to see the USS Cod this last weekend (a submarine). The experience was...interesting, fascinating, mostly disturbing for me. As I listened to the proud men who had been on this sub or who were at least talking about the sub, I became even more disturbed. They were "bragging" for lack of a better word about how many ships the sub had taken down.

As I listened, I could not help but be truly appalled. These were not "ships" that had gone down, these were people who had gone down. You can argue with me all you want about the need or necessity, about these deaths being "for a good cause" or even about a "just war", and I just will never buy it. These were people who were killed: daddies of little children, boys drafted to fight for something some of them didn't even understand, husbands, brothers, sons. For whatever reason, I am just not capable of separating people out into the categories of "friend" and "enemy" when we are talking about real people being violently and brutally destroyed because those with power decide to yield it and to play it out in the form of killing others through war.

That isn't to say that I think ideologies and politics are unimportant, or that I think we should ever ignore the injustices that those in power inflict on people. But I will never understand why we put so much money, energy, time, and commitment into figuring out new ways to kill and destroy people (often the very people being hurt by the injustices we are trying to confront and change) instead of putting all that money, time, energy, and commitment into figuring out other, more effective, less destructive and violent ways to handle political problems, injustices, etc. Really, if we spent a tenth the amount of energy using the amazing human brain power to figure out alternate solutions, I doubt we'd ever have to go to war and the images burned into my head of children burned with chemicals or explosions; of humans emotionally and mentally destroyed by the atrocities they have witnessed; of whole villages, towns, even cities destroyed would be no more.

How can a person be proud of how many people they've killed? How can we really believe that war leads to peace? Or that violence leads to peace? We've come to realize that beating on children does not get them to stop being violent, it only increases their chance of being violent. How can we not see this in the larger context of the world? Beating on other countries does not lead them to be peaceful, loving, accepting neighbors. It leads to anger, resentment and violent retaliation. Again, I'm not saying we should allow injustice. I am saying that we should use more than our anger and our hatred to overcome it.

The violence we inflict on others is simply beyond my understanding. I cannot comprehend how the call to "love your enemies" can ever include destroying them in war. I took the children to the USS Cod because it is a part of human history; a part I want them to understand, because I don't think we will find new ways to solve problems unless we understand the barbarism of the way we have solved problems in the past. But after hearing the pride in the men's voices as they talked about the people their sub had killed, I left feeling disappointed in humanity, scared for humanity, sad that I am part of this species in which the number of people killed is a source of celebration in any situation. I left feeling despair. I know that is not a helpful place to be, for myself or my kids. But that's what war does to people, whether you've lived it or not.

More funny sayings at our house

noreply@blogger.com (BE) — Wed, 06 May 2009 19:03:00 +0000

"Daddy is awesome! He is full of air!" (As he was blowing up balloons. She forgot the word "hot".)

"Look at that. He kicked the ball out of bounce" (I believe she meant "out of bounds").

"Can I please have some more prentzles?" (pretzels)

Trite sayings

noreply@blogger.com (BE) — Wed, 06 May 2009 00:09:00 +0000

It is only sometimes true that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. It is, however, often true that what doesn't kill you leaves one hell of a scar.

On Giving Advice

noreply@blogger.com (BE) — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 13:43:00 +0000

I had breakfast today with someone who I was hoping might be a potential friend in this area. She is a pastor-colleague, not a parishioner, and I was looking forward to a time of sharing, reflecting and being together. She asked me how I was doing but as soon as I began to talk she interrupted with "well, what you need to do is..." and the rest of the conversation, no matter how many times I tried to change the subject or divert the conversation elsewhere pretty much consisted of her giving me a great deal of unsolicited and unwanted advice. I found this not only unhelpful, but I left the breakfast almost in tears. Not only did the "advice giving" not end up giving me anything that I could use, but I left feeling beaten up. This is not to say that there aren't times for advice giving: or to say it better - there are times when we all need advice. It is helpful to give advice when it is being sought after or when someone has asked for advice. It is also helpful, most of the time, to interfere and give advice when someone is in danger or being threatened. Sometimes we see things that a person entrenched in the situation can't see, and then it can be helpful, at times, to help a person see a situation in a different light. If you are a teacher, your job is to help correct, which is a form of advice giving.

However, that being said, advice should never be the first response to someone's sharing: never. The first response should always be some indication that you've heard what the other person is saying. A next response might be some kind of empathy, some kind of reflecting back what you have heard. These responses help a person feel valued, feel heard, feel supported. They also help you, as a listener, to make sure that you really have heard, accurately, what the other is sharing. Also, before you give advice, I think it is really important to keep the following in mind about advice giving:

1. As I mentioned in another blog, there are countless studies that show that almost always women in particular do not share in order to get advice; they share for many reasons but not usually for advice. They are seeking to build relationships by sharing, they are processing out loud, they are looking for empathy and support. Giving advice is usually very far down in the list of reasons why many people share.

2. Giving advice carries with it several messages, most of which are not empowering and therefore are really problematic, especially for people (such as, again, many women) with self-esteem issues. These messages include:
a. you are not capable of solving your own problems, so I need to step in and tell you what do to.
b. you are not capable of seeing all aspects of this situation, but I am (even though I'm not even in the situation) so I am going to point out to you what you can't see.
c. you are not handling the situation right. Let me tell you what to do to handle this situation right.
d. You are not handling the situation well. Let me tell you what you should be doing differently.
e. You need me to take care of this for you by telling you what to do. You need me in order to function in this situation, in this event, in this....life.
In other words, advice giving, when advice has not been sought, says to the one sharing that they are incapable and incompetent. This makes the advice giver feel pretty good: I can solve your problems: I am capable and competent. But it breaks down the esteem of the one sharing.

3. People really don't learn to solve their own problems or to grow in their ability to handle problems by being told by others what to do. Instead this creates a dependence on others to tell them what to do and how to handle things. In a sense advice is the "giving a fish" in a situation, rather than talking through a situation until the other has a solution which is more the "teaching to fish" solution.

4. Giving advice usually shuts down the conversation. I share, you tell me what to do, end of conversation. It isn't a way to grow in a relationship; it isn't a way of continuing a conversation. (Actually, I think this is sometimes part of why people do give advice, as a way to end/shorten/shut off a conversation).

Pastors are required to receive training in pastoral care. My pastoral care class emphasized again and again the importance of not giving advice but of listening, reflecting, asking questions, listening some more. It therefore always amazes me how many pastors jump into the "let me tell you what to do" mode; both with parishioners and also with others: friends, colleagues, etc. Maybe this is because it puts one in a power position to be in the situation of telling another what they need to do. But as pastors we really need to remember our training, and remember that our job is to empower the other. Our job is, in a sense, to put ourselves out of a job by helping empower people to lead, to begin the programs and carry through the programs that are meaningful to them, to empower our parishioners to care for one another, to grow in their ability to solve problems, work through problems, and develop creative solutions. We just plain don't do this by giving advice. The only way we can do this is by empowering others to develop their own solutions and supporting them in those solutions. Does this take more time and energy? Of course. It is a lot more work to help others come up with their own solutions than to just give advice. It takes a lot more time. It involves a much longer relationship and much longer conversations. It doesn't create a dependency, and maybe too many of us pastors think we need that dependency. But our job is not to create dependency. It is to help people grow and move forward on their journeys.

So my "advice" is to be careful about giving advice. My advice is to be slow on giving advice. My advice is to always see advice-giving as a last solution, not a first. I won't be meeting with this colleague again. A relationship based on advice-giving doesn't work for me. I know I'm not alone in feeling this way. How about you?

Another commentary about taking things literally

noreply@blogger.com (BE) — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 23:06:00 +0000

My kids and I were listening to the Proclaimer's "I'm Gonna Be" (500 miles) - a really, fun, good dancing, up-beat song today. And Aislynn and Jonah started discussing the song, "Well, he must live really far away from the person he loves," Jonah says. And Aislynn adds, "well, why would he need to walk all that way. Can't he drive a car or ride a bike?" I found myself trying to explain that he is not needing to walk all that way and that he doesn't live that far away, that he is just saying that he loves the other so much that he would be willing to walk all that way for them. "Well, then, he must live far away!" Jonah reiterated. And Aislynn added, "Wow, that must be so sad to have to walk all that way."

I try again, "you know, it's like when someone says they would walk across the desert to be with the person they love. They don't actually need to do that and they don't actually live near a desert, they are just saying they would be willing to do a whole lot for the person they love."

"Well, why would they say that, if they don't live near a desert?"

I found the whole conversation hilarious and I could hardly keep a straight face, but it also caused me to think about all the people who are talking about the Bible in the same way. They discuss the anatomy of the "fish that swallowed Jonah" or they try to figure out when exactly Noah's flood happened. And once again, they miss the depth and complexity - they miss the very message of these stories as they are distracted by the details of the story itself and the historical/scientific validity of the events described.

Sigh. It will be a long journey across the desert of 500 miles for some of these folks to find truth, to find God, to find love. But I have no doubt God will still cross it. ;-).

Discernment

noreply@blogger.com (BE) — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 19:16:00 +0000

I've been thinking the last few days about the idea of "call". I love the definition "the place where the world's greatest need and your greatest passion intersect". Several people have said this, some give credit to Frederick Buechner, though I'm not sure he is the originator. But I've always loved that definition. However, as I've thought about it, I guess I'm no longer convinced that it is always true. There are too many people about whom we've heard who clearly have a gift for a particular craft or profession, who have served the world with that gift and have answered the world's need with it, but who do not really enjoy the activity. I know of this being the case with many musicians - prodigies about whom we've heard that making music is even painful, for one reason or another. But for whom it is clearly their gift. I remember reading about an amazing musician who talked about how he heard the music that he composed in his head all the time. He never felt that he created it: it always felt like he was more a channel or a conduit for these pieces of music. He felt forced to write down the music he heard in his head; he had to get it out on paper or it wouldn't stop "haunting" him. This haunting was not pleasant, but it was part of his life, part of what he had to do. Isn't that a "call" even if it is not the call he would have chosen?

On the other side of this, we know of people, like many of the singers who audition on American Idol, who have a "passion" but have no gift for it. Or all the millions of "writers" now who cannot get books published, or cannot get them sold, because they do not have the gift at one level or another.

More and more I'm coming to believe that it is a luxury to be in a situation where your passion can find outlet in serving the needs of the world and where your passion actually matches your gifts and your situation. Most of the people in the world can only focus on survival. It doesn't matter what their passion is: they have to put food on the table for their families, and that is their "call" at that moment. For those in the next economic step, they have work, but again, it is a work that provides, not a work that is satisfying or fulfilling of a call. When you look at sheer percentages, it is a small number who find true joy in their work, whose circumstances and whose gifts match their passions, and even fewer whose passions then match the 'needs of the world'.

For those who might have the opportunities to live out their passion in service to the world, I still find myself considering the complexities of the idea of "call". Presbyterians believe that "call" is discerned in community. Yes, that community includes the person who is the center of that call, but they are but one piece of that puzzle. As I said above, there is good reason for this. Two examples immediately come to mind: both surrounding people whose passion was for ministry, but... One was a person who was clearly mentally ill but believed they were called into the ministry. The community discerned that there was no way they were capable of handling the challenges of ministry. This person went on to a different denomination which does not have the same understanding of discernment and has injured countless people as a result. The other was a sexual predator who wanted to use that place of the power of ministry to abuse the women and children under him. These were people, again, whose "passion" did not match their "call." You could stretch the saying above and say, "well, this is an example of when the world's greatest need could not be filled by that person's greatest passion" and there is truth in that (especially with the second individual) but it is also the case that their gifts did not match their passion.

The examples I've given above are negative examples. What about the use of community to help someone discern what their call is instead of what their call is not. I don't think this happens as often, but I think there is great value in it. A personal example of this: I never saw myself going into music ministry or doing music of any kind professionally. I therefore did not study music in college. I hate to practice. I don't like the solitary exercise of playing music alone. I've never enjoyed it, and therefore I didn't and don't do it. I can't make myself practice. None the less, I enjoy playing music with others and so eventually the community discerned for me that this was part of my call. People kept offering me music jobs, or asking me to apply for music jobs. Otherwise, I would not have done it for the last 25 years. I'm not a great musician, in part because I won't practice. But I am a musician who has worked at it professionally for many years because of the discernment of the community around me. Music is a part of my call, though again, it is not something I would have chosen or ever identified as my "passion". On the other hand, I have identified my passion as being for social justice, though I don't seem to be very gifted at the leadership or job aspects of it. I do it as a volunteer, I preach about it, but as a vocation? I won't give the countless examples, just trust me that this is not my gift, though it absolutely is my passion. This, too, the community helped me to understand. This is not a recognition I came to on my own.

But this brings up another part of the complexity of discernment: what if one part of a job is your passion and your call, but other parts aren't? How do you go about finding the "perfect" call that matches your passion, your gifts and the world's need? Or what if you are gifted at the job, but the place doesn't feel right? How do you discern call?

I continue to believe that God is talking for any who would listen. And I continue to believe that God speaks both through individuals and through community. Sometimes God speaks through circumstances as well: pushing us to be more, or do different, or try something new that we may not have sought. But sometimes, we find ourselves in situations that just plain are not "calls". In response, we have to stop fearing speaking the voice that we hear, sharing the discernment with others that we gain; we have to trust the god-voice within us to be part of discernment for our selves and for our community, no matter what the final decisions that are made. We aren't in charge of the outcome, only our part of the process. Let that part of the process be a faithful one!

Another rant about the idea of "God's will"

noreply@blogger.com (BE) — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 13:08:00 +0000

I received an e-mail yesterday of a kind I am often sent, the "religious" kind that makes huge assumptions about my faith because of my title as "pastor". This one assumed that I must believe that everything that happens is somehow in God's will. But I don't believe that, as I've blogged about before, and this particular e-mail gave a perfect example of why I find that idea problematic.

The e-mail was sharing stories of individuals who had survived 911 because of fluky things that had happened that day: one person's child was starting at a new school that day, another person had to stop for a band-aid, one person was just running late, etc. The e-mail went on to say that this is proof that even when annoying things happen to us or delay us we should actually be grateful because the survival stories of these few individuals prove that we are always exactly where God wants us to be at any moment in time.

As I read this I just could not fathom the limited vision that would dare to say that somehow these few people were saved because God wanted them to be, while....I mean really, you have to take it all the way if you are going to make that claim. All the way means the other side of this is that God somehow also wanted all those people who weren't side-tracked or delayed to be destroyed in 911. Take it further yet: it means that all the children who were orphaned by that event, all the families whose bread-winner died and then became destitute, all the families who lost loved ones and could not emotionally survive the devastation - that somehow God willed all of that as well. Let's take it the step beyond that. If God willed this event, then the hijackers were actually agents of God's will and we should not be going after them, we should be giving them a reward for carrying out this will of God for us. I could go on...

People who claim that "everything happens because of God's will" or "everything happens for a reason" tell themselves and others that "we just don't see the good in this because it is so far beyond us, but God willed this so it is good even though we don't see it." Is this the same God who gave us a sense of right and wrong? Who wrote the covenant of love in our hearts? Then why is it that that God causes us to see things that are "good" as horrible beyond belief?

No, this is not my God. I have no desire and frankly I am just plain incapable of worshiping the monster-god this theology describes who wills for children to be killed, kidnapped, tortured, raped, maimed: who wills for events such as 911 to take place or for that matter any of the far-more devastating events that humans have master-minded. To me this God looks so much like the "devil" (not that I believe in such a creature either) that I can't even tell them apart.

Instead, the God I celebrate, pray to, live with, is one who is crying about such events as well. This is a God who wants us to react with outrage at such injustices and such pain and calls us to step up to the plate and speak out about them, stop them. The God I know is one who is where? With those who are being killed, with those who are suffering, fighting to change the situation, fighting to bring a world to justice: this is the God I meet on the cross suffering injustice, challenging injustice, overcoming injustice. This is not a God who wants us to just lay down and accept atrocities with the phrase "it is God's will" but who instead has given up some power in order to give us free will, and who still engages us and calls us to be part of changing the world for the better. That is the only God I know. And I am grateful for it.

On reincarnation and the "after life".

noreply@blogger.com (BE) — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 13:07:00 +0000

I don't know what happens after we die. I have no sense of that. The idea of a fairyland heaven with streets paved in gold doesn't really appeal to me, frankly. When people point up at the sky and talk about "going up" to heaven, I wonder if they've ever been in a planetarium..."up" doesn't make sense. Life is anything but simple, so I understand the appeal of a place where everything is simple, but again, it holds no appeal for me. Plus, I just don't find that to be very consistent with what I understand creation to be. If this world, with all it's beautiful complexity, is genuinely reflective of a creator, how could a simple, purely happy, gold-paved heaven also reflect that creator? "Heaven" is supposed to be a place everyone looks forward to living in and wants to be in, but again, the "heaven" that people talk about is not a place I want to go; so doesn't that challenge the very idea of it as a place everyone wants for their future?

Then there are so many people who have talked about experiencing some kind of presence of a loved one who has died. These aren't "hauntings" by a ghost - just an awareness of a presence, an impression of someone's being. Who am I to question this? This, too seems to challenge the idea of a heaven that is completely separate and other-worldly.

Then there are the many people who believe in reincarnation. Actually, from a scientific perspective, in many ways this makes the most sense to me: energy and matter get reconverted, changed, recycled repeatedly. Nothing in energy and matter "disappears". So why wouldn't it be the same with "souls" (whatever they are) - they may be changed, converted, but do they really disappear?

At the same time I have to admit that reincarnation is also not at all appealing to me. I have no desire to "return" here or to go through the struggles of life again and again. And frankly, I don't see humanity as "improving" on the whole. I am still shocked and amazed by how many people believe that killing others is a viable solution for anything. I am still intensely sorrowed by the fact that people are usually about getting the most for themselves and really don't know how or have any real desire to love their enemies as they love themselves. People don't want to pay taxes, don't want to be part of improving this place, but they do want the free resources of good education, at least for their own kids: etc, etc. Those who do well somehow believe they are better than others, that they have "deserved" what birth, privilege and opportunity has given them and that others who have nothing somehow deserve that. So short sighted, or "self" sighted. I don't see the point in repeating this over and over in the form of reincarnation.

There is another real problem that I see with those who talk about their past lives and who believe deeply in reincarnation. I think about the few people I personally know who subscribe to this belief. In the history of humanity, one article guesstimated that by 2002 there had been
106,456, 367, 700 people on this planet. In 2002, the population was estimated at about 6 1/4 billion people. And yet, every single one of the people I've met who believes in reincarnation was somebody famous in a past life. I'm sorry, but that is so much more than unlikely. It points, I believe, at a very basic level to the reason for the belief in reincarnation. These people feel small in their current life, but they deal with it by saying they were someone big and important in a different incarnation. Also, if we are supposed to be reincarnated into a completely new life, why do some "remember" past lives while others don't? None of this makes sense to me. And again, I really don't want any part of it.

I'm not saying that these things are somehow determined by what we like or what we hope will happen. But I think most philosophies/theologies about the afterlife do tend to stem from some kind of hope or need for comfort, or need to understand. And I'm also saying that so far none of the after-life theories that I have encountered serve that need or create that comfort for me. Not that I'm afraid of death. I'm not. I just don't know what happens after we die and I'm okay with that. I think we have to live this life to the best of our ability. I think we need to strive to make this world a place where everyone is given a chance to really live, an opportunity to thrive. I think we are called to love everyone now not because that will improve our chances of going to "heaven" but because "heaven" is something we are called to create - right here and now, and only through the continual, difficult, purposeful act of loving.

One more small difference

noreply@blogger.com (BE) — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 12:27:00 +0000

They have ants here the size of spiders (not an exaggeration) - and they are invading our house!! Ack!!